In Which Superman gets Stoned and Takes Over the World!

Hey everybody, Tom here. I know it’s been a week since my last post, but I’ve been dealing with sick baby here, so there’s not been much time for old comics between that and work. All things considered though, he’s doing well. I just wish he’d nap again.

 

At any rate, this week we’ll be talking about Action Comics 311. We’ll be covering the main story today, since the backup is requiring a little finagling on my part to keep it G rated. You’ll see why when we get there. This issue has a cover date of April, 1964, features the 12 cent price typical of Silver Age books, and of course, has the Comics Code Authority approval sticker in the top right corner. That means wholesome family fun everyone! We’ll talk about the CCA in a special post sometime, but just be aware, they’re basically the censors for comics.

 

Again, there’s no credit given for the talent behind this particular book, but the DC Comics database lists Robert Bernstein as the writer, George Klein on Inks, and Curt Swan on pencils as well as this fantastic cover. I’ve included the cover in the pictures for this post, but I’m going to talk about it anyway. Superman has declared himself King of Earth Apparently and is decreeing that every flag be replaced with the Superman Flag! I’m not entirely sure why such a thing exists, but I’m assuming the UN created it so that they’d have something to fly for Supergirl when she saved the world from the Plasmos of Mutor after that sweet killing spree she went on!

 

(Editor’s Note: See Last Post — Continuity Tom!)

 

At Superman’s feet, the leaders of the world are laying jewels, under his Super-Buttock is a sweet throne, emblazoned with his emblem, and atop the head of the Metropolis Marvel rests the most magnificent Pope hat I do believe I’ve ever seen. Let’s roll out the white smoke because Benedict and his bedazzled pallium ain’t got nothing on the Man of Steel’s Mitre.

Anyway, the inside front cover is an anti-bullying message brought to you my Bob Hope and features a lesson in religious tolerance!

 

IF ONLY MORE PEOPLE HAD READ COMICS! DONALD WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PREY ON RELIGIOUS ANXIETIES!!

 

He probably would. But thanks for trying anyway Bob Hope. We’ll talk about this in the next post when we talk about Supergirl and her weird dating habits.

 

So the story begins with an opening panel of Superman carving a statue unto himself (replete with Pope Hat!) and people wondering what made him lose his mind in such a way that he would make the demand that the UN (why the UN? Seriously? These guys are apparently super important in the writer’s mind, likely because they were all that stood between the world and nuclear holocaust in the early 60s. So what did happen? Well, continue to the next panel dear reader and see where the story begins!

 

Which is apparently a weird Thailand analog where Clark and Jimmy Olsen are watching a processional as the King of said nation passes. Everyone bows, and Jimmy suggests that he and Clark do the same. Clark however, is future channeling the Republican Party! He says “Bow? Not me! As an American, I don’t have to grovel before anyone!” Wow… way to up the ante on undue nationalism there Clark.

But wait! As the border guards chuck him out of the country (and presumably into one where he doesn’t have a visa and is present illegally) he thinks to himself that the only reason he did this was to get away from Jimmy and change into Superman! It’s good to know Clark isn’t a Trump voter. Apparently Clark had used his Super-Vision (yup, that’s a thing here) to check out his digs at the Fortress of Solitude and saw some warning lights going off. He flies there and sees that a Red Kryptonite Meteor is about to hit the Earth!

 

Okay, a word about Kryptonite. There are several varieties in Pre-Crisis (Crisis you say? What’s that? We’ll talk about it.) continuity, and I’ll list some here.

 

Green- Kills Kryptonians

Red- Causes strange effects on Kryptonians, these are essentially random and can be        .                  .         essentially any effect a writer intends to use. Never affects an individual the same way     .        .         twice

Gold- Robs Kryptonians of their powers permanently (Pre-Crisis)

White- Kills plant life… ALL plant life

Blue- Bizarro Kryptonite

 

While there are several other varieties, those are the major ones. The ones at play here will be the red, green, and Gold. Oh yeah, there’s also silver. Which apparently makes Kryptonians high as balls making Superman Super-Hungry as well as Super-Hallucinate-ey. That doesn’t factor in here, but it does give me the giggles to think about.

 

So… back to the story.

 

Superman has discovered these Red Kryptonite meteors falling to Earth. If only there were a way to immunize himself against the effects of Red K! Maybe there is! Superman has, after all, been storing some Red K that once split him into a Good but powerless Clark Kent, and a megalomaniacal evil Superman for 72 hours before they were rejoined that he’s been experimenting with!

 

Superman – using his Super-Logic (facepalm) decides that if he melts some Red K using acid, and then huffing the fumes, that he’ll be immunized forever! Let me repeat that. Superman will cure himself of a Kryptonite weakness by huffing the daylights out of some Kryptonite. Did I mention this book had the Comics Code Sticker on the front? Apparently in 1964 it really was okay for little Johnny to carry around his paper bag and can of spray paint! Seriously. There is a panel (included in the pictures) where Superman is VISIBLY making sniff noises over the fumes of this Red K. CCA, Where you at?

And I thought it was the Silver K that made you high.

 

The Red K, it’s chemical composition slightly changed, causes a reaction within Superman! He splits again into a good Clark and an evil Superman, but this time, as Evil Superman apparently knows, it’s Permanent! Oh no! But what if this time it’s Clark that’s Super? What then evil Superm…. Oh… you took Clark outside into the Arctic and let him freeze his butt off to prove you’re still the Super one… got it. Moving on then.

The Evil Superman proceeds to seal the Superman Emergency Squad (Who? Oh man… just you wait. They’re amazing in all the best ways!) inside Kandor (Shrunken bottle city, remember?) and destroys all the goody-good Superman robots since they’re programmed to do good. With no one left to oppose the evil Superman, Clark reaches for the Phantom Zone projector, only to find it crushed and his hand potentially broken as Superman takes a huge bite of scenery with his dialogue: “I’d kill you for that Kent, but since we were once the same man, I might destroy myself by destroying you! I can’t risk taking that chance!” Superman decides the best thing to do is to fly very high and very fast, trailing Clark behind him so that the now powerless Kent passes out in the thin, cold air.

 

Coming to on a Coast Guard (American maybe? It’s not specified.) vessel. Clark is curious to know what Superman is up to. The Captain informs him that Superman said he should listen to the radio. Yep… that was the message. Listen to the radio. No time, no station. Just, “Hey, tell him when he wakes up to tune into Ryan Seacrest talking about someone confusing Helen Hunt with Jodie Foster!” (That actually happened this weekend btdubs.) Apparently what Superman wanted him to hear is that he’s called a meeting of the United Stations and it’s been scheduled so that Clark could have made it home, heard about it, and made it there in plenty of time! Thus making this whole sequence unnecessary. But still…

 

At the UN, Superman is cheered by all until he makes the pronouncement that he’s tired of saving everyone’s bacon without recognition and demands to be elected King of Earth. Dennis the Peasant immediately informs Superman that you don’t vote for king, to which Superman responds that he is blessed by a watery tart handing out swords. (that last bit only happened in my head.The UN of course rejects this idea out of hand, and refuses to believe that the man before them is even Superman. Until he takes off his boot!

 

Wait… what?

That’s right! Superman proves his identity by taking off his boot, waggling it around a bit, smashing the podium with it, and then continuing to wave it about as the image of him doing so goes out to the world. Now, I’m no expert on other cultures. I grew up in Kentucky, and am pretty familiar with Hawai’ian Culture, or at least Oahuan Culture having lived there for a few years. And I’m pretty sure I don’t REALLY know what’s going on here, but I’m guessing that Superman’s boot is also somehow Super. Maybe Super dense or something? I really don’t know. The best I can put forth is this: showing the soles of your feet is incredibly insulting in some cultures. Especially in the Middle East or Southeast Asia. I’m told one of the reasons the Somalis were so pissed off at the Americans during the whole Mogadishu Incident that led to the events of Black Hawk Down was because American Soldiers were riding around in helicopters with their feet dangling… just letting the whole city see what they really thought of them!

 

And don’t forget about that guy that threw his shoe at President Bush! (W. not H.W.)

 

So the shoe thing… if you have ANY idea what’s happening there, please let me know. I’ll endeavor to ask someone who may know

 

At this point, people across the world are shocked to see The Man of Steel behaving in such a way, and back at the UN, Lois even states she believes Superman to be a “Disgrace to America!” As she’s saying this, Clark runs off to find the American UN Delegate whom he convinces that he has information that will allow the government to thwart Superman’s designs on becoming King!

Previously, Superman had apparently built a vault at the Pentagon which no one but Superman had the combination to, and that could not be broken into since it was made of strange alien metal. It is to this vault that the powerless and completely human (somehow… xenobiology man…) Clark Kent leads the military officials he’s talking to. Clark knows the combination and writes this off due to the fact that he was close to Superman. Inside the safe, Gold Kryptonite to rob Superman of his powers and Green Kryptonite to kill him if necessary.

 

The military, however, refuses to use this weapon (What??!) on the grounds that Superman hasn’t done anything illegal (WHAT!!??). The weapon will go unused for now.

 

Back at the UN, the body has deadlocked on SUperman becoming King of Earth. They’ll hold another vote tomorrow, giving Superman a chance to threaten everyone in an effort to bully them into voting ‘yes’ on the next vote. He does this by using his Red K enhanced (okay…) Super-Breath to freeze a wall of ice through the middle of the desert and then across the ocean!

 

Having seen this Super-Deed, the UN still says they need more time to debate, so Superman arranges another Super-Deed. This time by destroying a mock New York City built for missile testing in ‘Red China’. Yup…. ‘Red China’. Jimmy, ever the ridiculous optimist decides Superman has done this so that it can’t be used for target practice!

 

Go jump in a lake Silver Age Jimmy.

I’m so glad you get better in the late 80s.

 

Clark knows better though, and states that Superman is showing the world what will happen to its greatest cities if they don’t give into Superman. Supes then runs into Lois outside the UN and brushes her off completely, but promises to meet her at her place as soon as he can. Which he immediately does in the very next panel!

 

Lois points out that the world is grateful, and that he’s been showered with gifts. Yet these gifts are not enough, and he’s determined to be King! He’ll prove how far he’ll go to gain this end by exploding a “Super Nuclear Bomb” at White Sands Missile Range in the morning.

 

Side note. I’ve been to White Sands Missile Range. There is nothing there. It would be an excellent place for a Super-Nuclear Bomb to go off as it would add a warm glow to an otherwise desolate landscape.

 

Superman shows up just as the military is evacuating the area leaving only Clark and Lois at the base in order to bear witness to the explosion. (Why is the military so freaking irresponsible here? Seriously.) Locking himself inside the missile casing, Superman flies into a mountain, leveling it completely with his Super-Nuclear payload. I’ve very glad they specifically state that Superman has in his possession a nuclear warhead (quest for peace…. QUEST FOR PEACE!!!) otherwise I might think that Super-Nuclear Bomb was one of his powers. Which it wouldn’t be until 2015. (New 52 lol).

In light of this, and although “It’s against everything the UN stands for!” Superman is Elected King of Earth (cue the Monty Python Jokes.) Superman is then seen at a marble quarry not far from Metropolis carving out the world’s largest statue of… Superman! COmplete with Pope Hat accessory! And shields everywhere. Though Clark and Jimmy remark that it’s an incredibly narcissistic display, they do take the time to admit that Superman’s sculpting ability is on fleek. (Yeah, on fleek…. Wanna fight about it!?) So he has that as a fallback if this whole ‘King’ bit falls through!

 

The scene from the cover is repeated here where it is stated that this is Superman’s coronation, and we see the in story moment when Superman declares that all flags are to be replaces with the “Hooray for Supergirl (again, see last post – Continuity Tom!) I mean Superman” Banner. Everyone does so and Superman flies off just as Clark starts thinking that the world shouldn’t have to bow down to such a tyrant. Lois sees that Clark is Super pissed, and he then becomes even more so when he sees Superman has built a wall and dome over the palace to protect himself.

 

Now, Clark is resolved to defeat Superman: King of Earth, and calls a meeting in the Planet basement where old lead parts to printing presses will keep Superman from finding out his plans… which seems to be to lead Jimmy, Perry, and Lois in an uprising against his worse half!

And then the issue ends.

 

That’s it folks, you can leave. The rest of the story will be continued in Action Comics 312 which we’ll be taking a look at next week. Hopefully this weekend we’ll get our backup feature which gives us an EXTREMELY uncomfortable look at Supergirl’s love life and musings on what it’s like to live life as a telepathic magic horse.

 

Again, thanks for reading, I hope you’re appreciating these recaps and the insights, jokes, and pith I put into them. If you are, please let me know. You can comment here, or on the facebook page. You can even LIKE the facebook page if you want at http://www.facebook.com/thisoldcomic

 

Thanks again!

Tom