This special edition is part of our Guest Prudie series, where we ask smart, thoughtful people to step in as Prudie for the day and give you advice.
Today’s columnist is actress, writer, host, and activist Jameela Jamil. She is well known for her roles in The Good Place and She-Hulk: Attorney at Law. Jamil is also the founder of the movement and allyship platform I Weigh as well as the host and creator of Earwolf’s I Weigh with Jameela Jamil podcast. You can listen to Jamil wherever you get your podcasts.
We asked Jamil to weigh in on a celebrity rendezvous, signature scents, and emotional affairs:
Dear Prudence,
A few weeks ago, I came to LA for work. It was a long work trip and during my time here, I met a celebrity. We definitely hit it off and he has expressed interest in me. We talked about what it would be like to date, which would be secret in the beginning. That is fine with me and I feel like I have a decent grasp of what it’s going to be like to date him. I’m fine with the secrecy because I prefer that in my personal life, but I feel really paralyzed by all the decisions in front of me.
If I do date him, even in secret, and the word gets out, there’s nothing I can do to change that. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, I will forever be the person who dated the celebrity and if anybody Googles my name, that will probably be the first several pages that come up. If the relationship does last, I can expect very little privacy in public for however long we have a public relationship. That could be a problem for my career, as I do need some privacy for my job and I do know of some people who decided to quit their job at our LA office because of this. I worked my butt off for this career and I love what I do, but my career is not turning out like I thought and I’m not sure it ever will. On top of all that, I would need to move to LA, which would be easy as my company has an office there, but I know very few people and would be uprooting my life for who knows what. My time in LA ends in about two weeks and I’m feeling really anxious about trying to make these decisions in such a short time. Do you have any advice on how to sort through all of these issues and come to a final decision?
—Indecisive Dater
Dear Indecisive Dater,
My instinct when advising people in this situation is always to tell them the same thing: Run! Celebrities are the fucking worst and their lifestyles are so stifling. It’s way too soon for you to be mapping out all the ways you’re going to have to inconvenience yourself, to the point that it’s giving you anxiety. If you’re going to carry this on at all, let it be long distance and see how committed this person is to you. Over time you can make visits, find friends, familiarize yourself with LA, which is at times a pretty isolating place, and lay down roots if this is for real. But if it is something truly special, it doesn’t need to be rushed.
This person sounds like they are in a far higher position of privilege than you, so let them help you sort the logistics, rather than you being yet another person in their life scrambling to meet their needs. I think anxiety can sometimes be our bodies telling us to be on guard. If you want the adventure of moving to LA, and you feel bored by your current situation, then, by all means, go for it, but do it for YOU, for your adventure, and have him be the mere icing on the cake. Not the other way around.
How to Get Advice From Prudie
Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) Join the live chat every Monday at noon (and submit your comments) here.
Dear Prudence,
I got myself into a stupid dilemma. My boyfriend wears a cologne that I’ve come to hate. It’s not cheap, it goes for over $100 a bottle. I’m not a cologne man myself, so I really can’t tell the difference between it and a $20 bottle of drugstore cologne. My boyfriend has called this his “signature scent.” At first, I could put up with it but since my sense of smell changed after my latest case of COVID, it’s gotten even worse. It’s gotten to the point where I suggest dates based on things I know he won’t wear cologne for, like hiking, tennis, or a movie night at home. He took this as a sign I was trying to save money and surprised me with a date to the free night at the museum followed by happy hour drinks…of course, a night he wore cologne to! On a different occasion after a few drinks, I stole the bottle intending to throw it out, but it fell out of my jacket, and in the spur of the moment, I lied that I’d stolen it because the smell reminded me of him, which he thought was cute. I like his elegance and appreciate the care he puts into his appearance and he knows this, so it will be even more weird when I rock up with this new opinion. He really values honesty and straightforwardness so when he finds I’ve been lying about this, he’s going to be hurt. How do I tell him?
—I Smell Trouble
Dear I Smell Trouble,
Firstly, this dilemma is hilarious.
I’m afraid you have to say something, and with your recent COVID case, you have a sweet get-out-of-jail-free pass! All the senses are precious, and a vital part of intimacy. If one is being disrupted, you have to speak up. Nobody has done anything wrong and nobody has anything to be embarrassed by. It’s just a personal preference that is impacting you strongly post-COVID. This shouldn’t be a big deal. I would HATE it if I smelled in a way that was off-putting to my partner, and I had no idea. I would want to know, wouldn’t you?
You have to break it to him. Maybe spare the extra detail about the history of your dislike for the scent, and just blame your recent illness for now. It might feel too humiliating for him to have to deal with the idea that from the start, you haven’t enjoyed his smell, which can lead to a more stressful exchange for both of you. Just come clean about the way the scent affects you, and encourage him to wear it when he’s not with you. You’re not doing it on purpose, and if anything, it’s quite sweet that you’ve tried to avoid bringing it up until now, because you know it means a lot to him. As long as you are kind in your delivery, this should go fine. Maybe for his next birthday/Christmas present, you two can go shopping together for a fancy new signature scent you both agree on.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
About six months ago, I met a really great guy online through a mobile game. We became close and sent messages back and forth all day for a few months. He’s kind, sweet, funny, supportive, and I can tell him anything. Even when I was suffering through a depressive episode and not myself, he still stuck by me and supported me. We’ve said that we love and care for each other and joked about running away together. He’s confided in me as well, about work, his kids, and his wife (they’ve been fighting regularly, and I can tell he’s not happy). We would always talk using Discord, but I stopped using it and playing mobile games about a month ago while I took some time to process the upcoming loss of a family member. We haven’t talked much since then as he doesn’t want to text (his wife has checked his phone in the past).
I miss him a lot and really want to reach out to him, but I do worry that our relationship might be considered an “emotional affair” and I don’t want to do anything that might interfere with his marriage. I consider him a friend, but some of the things he’s said in the past have led me to believe he might feel differently. I’ve never brought it up or tried to clarify, just always said how grateful I am for his friendship. Am I overreacting? Is it OK to reach out to him, or should I keep trying to move on without him in my life?
—Missing My Friend
Dear Missing my friend,
I’m sorry to say this, but it’s time to beep, beep, reverse right out of this mess. While it sounds like you have a sweet bond with this man, the fact that you’re afraid it constitutes an emotional affair and that he’s worried about his wife checking his phone and finding out about you, is enough of a sign that this isn’t a healthy foundation for a friendship at this moment in time. He’s going through something that he needs space to fix, and when there are children involved, the situation becomes ripe for peak clusterfuckery. He’s not reaching out much because he needs that space, and I think the most supportive thing you can do as a friend is to let him work out his marriage issues, and not become a barrier between him and his wife. If he doesn’t feel safe to tell her about you, then there’s a good reason for that, and that is between them. While I appreciate you’ve been through a hard time and you miss your friend, this all sounds like more trouble than it’s worth and you deserve better than to be someone’s secret. If there is a real friendship and bond there, he will reach back out to you later, once the storm in his life passes, and he will be able to engage in a relationship with you that isn’t covert. I would move on for now. Sorry mate.
Dear Prudence,
I have never married or had kids. Never felt the need. My relationships have been long-lasting but peter off naturally as life has taken us in different directions. While in my late-50s, I fell in love with “Diane” and I proposed. My sisters think it is the greatest “joke” in the world that their bachelor brother finally wants to tie the knot. All of them have been divorced once or twice and most bitterly so. I have never joked about their love lives until now.
My oldest sister “joked” to Diane about me being a serial monogamist and how I always have someone waiting in the wings so beware. So I “joked” back about how it’s better to be a serial monogamist than a serial cheater. You could hear a pin drop. My sister ended two marriages because of her infidelity and two of her kids still refuse to speak to her because of it. My sister went up and locked herself in the bathroom. So I am the bad guy now. Diane wants to keep the peace but I am tired of that. I love Diane and want to spend the rest of my life with her. My sisters can’t be happy for me? So what do I do now?
—Stones and Glass Houses
Dear Stones and Glass Houses,
Maybe it’s the pettiness in me, but I think your sister had that coming, and you delivered a truth that she likely needed to hear. It’s so inappropriate of her to try to sabotage your love life, one you’ve waited a long time to find. There’s nothing wrong with putting someone in their place when they cross a boundary as egregiously as she did.
Now, I don’t know the full details of your relationship with your sister, but I would say that if beyond this moment, there is a love there worth fighting for then I would side with Diane here, and invite you to open yourself up to maintaining a relationship.
So often, when people make nasty comments toward others it’s a misdirected projection of their inner fears. I suspect your sister may have felt previously consoled by the narrative that while her love life has been a disaster, at least you’ve always been a bachelor. Perhaps she is scared that your newfound success will highlight her failure. It is possible she’s terrified of being alone and is jealous that you’ve found love and happiness. Her life sounds like it’s a little chaotic and lonely, and I imagine it’s extremely painful to lose your relationship with your children over your broken relationship with your partner. She tried to shame you in front of the woman you love, which sounds like it could be a classic projection of her own shame about herself. Everything she said likely came from a place of deep insecurity, rather than a desire to actually hurt you or your relationship.
So, if you are interested in giving her another chance, you don’t have to apologize for snapping back, but perhaps you could take a little pity on her and extend an olive branch. Say that you feel deeply hurt by her attitude and that you want her support, just as you once supported her when she previously found love. Ask her why she felt the need to interfere in your relationship, and why she speaks down about you to the woman you love. Then set a boundary, telling her that you cannot continue a relationship if she continues to be so disrespectful. Tell her you don’t find it funny, and that you won’t tolerate it going forward. Family isn’t a free pass to just behave however you please. If she crosses that boundary again, then push her away until she learns how to behave like an adult.
When Melanie Lynskey Was Guest Prudie
My wife has developed a fear of driving. So much so that she actually sold her car and we only have/use my vehicle now. The thing is that I have to take her everywhere now. If she wants to go to the mall, I am expected to cancel whatever I am doing or would like to do in order to accommodate her. She expects me to take time off work to take her to doctor’s appointments as well.
