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Struggling and overwhelmed like REALLY bad
I love my 2.5 year old and 2 month old really I do but lately I’m feeling alllll the feels and struggling to find the joy these kiddos should bring. My heart just aches with fear, no confidence in what I’m doing and how I’m parenting and just constantly struggling to find my way. I’m just so overwhelmed with the tantrums and DAILY fights and tug of war with my toddler and the constant neediness with my infant. My sensory overload is at its peak. My 2.5 year old is a real handful. He fights me on anything and everything. EVERY.DAY is hard with him. EVERY SINGLE DAY!!
He’s in school full time and I still dread those moments I have him home with me. How horrible of a mother am I?? I’m crying just typing that out. He fights me changing his pull up, sitting on the potty (attempting to potty train but it’s like trying to train a cat to pee on the potty). He fights every meal put in front of him unless it’s something he normally eats like PB and J’s, fruit or Dino chicken nuggets. when we are playing he fights me saying, “noooo it’s mine” when trying to engage. Then if I leave him he he’s whining because he’s bored and wants me to play with him. He fights every morning when we take him to school like fullllll blown tantrum refusing to get in the car, screaming kicking the whole Shabang! He fights bath time and bedtime. His teachers say he’s defiant and extremely strong willed and often hits other children out of nowhere, but I’m just feeling like there’s more to it. I reached out to a local child psychologist to see about starting therapy for him because he’s getting really hard to manage and honestly I just don’t enjoy being around him unless he’s cooperating or sleeping. His behavior in front of my extended family is embarrassing and of course I get all the comments about what I SHOULD be doing to “manage” him. My parents say to spank him, which I will never do! Even though I’ve gotten close because I’m struggling to stay calm and end up having to walk away and cry in another room.
My sister says I should just leave him alone and let him be and he will grow out of it but then I feel like he has my number and manipulates me if I’m too “nice” all the time. I speak directly and firmly to him without yelling and although that turns up a tantrum and some whining it’s usually short lived when I do that. But then when I’m constantly like that with him I feel like he doesn’t want to be affectionate with me and he’s more distant with me. I cry every day!!! I love the days when he’s at school, dread picking him up and sit with my phone on loud and so much anxiety waiting to get a daily message from his school about his behavior. Then repeatedly apologizing to his teachers about his behavior and often picking him up early from school even though we spend over $1000K a month to send him there. I’m falling apart!! I knew parenting would be hard I really did, but THIS hard?? Is this normal?? I’m already on medication for anxiety and I feel like I’m spiraling. My husband helps as much as he can (he works full time and I stay home) but I can tell my husband is at the end of his rope too. He seems irritated and depressed and doesn’t engage much with us when he is home because he’s had an exhausting and stressful day at the office and although he tries to mask it in front of me, I can tell he’s having a hard time coping. I feel like I can’t express this to him because he works so hard to support us and I don’t want to be a burden on him. Gosh I just don’t know if this is how this is supposed to be. I always dreamed of having a family and kids and I never in a million years thought I’d be so miserable all the time living my “dream”.
I just wanted to reach out and send hugs. Do you ever get a break? My daughter has been a horrible sleeper since birth and I am now pregnant and working full time- so I’m exhausted but not at the same level of burn out than you. My parents have taken her overnight tonight. Second time ever only but it’s so nice to just have a night off from the usual routine and no fighting in the morning either. Is a night off from the ‘terrible 2’s’ an option for you?
thank you so much! I truly appreciate the support. Honestly when it was just us 3 before my second child came into the picture I use to get me time a lot. I’d go out with my girlfriends for dinner or get massages and facials from time to time and it was really therapeutic. Since having my second I have only gotten alone time once and that was to go see a movie with a friend, which was awesome! I have never truly been away from my newborn and maybe that’s what’s causing all of these feelings. I do need a break and I’m so fortunate to have family close by who are willing to help, but I have a really hard time asking for it. I feel like because I stay home I should be able to do it all because I’m not working anymore, but my gosh what I would give to go back to work! I think I’m going to really start asking my mom and MIL for help, it’s just hard to ask I guess.
why don’t you sit down with your mom and then MIL with your calender and schedule some time off! Maybe one could take one and one take the other - at same time- so it’s easier for them and you get some real time off in the diary to look forward to!
Oh my goodness.. I’m so sorry you’re having such a tough time. I think it’s great you reached out to seek help for your son, you only know him best. Maybe they can teach him things to help you both out on his type of personality? I don’t have advice on what to do about him but I can relate on having such hard days. I have a 8 month and 2.5 year old and I definitely remember those early infant days trying to juggle both toddler and baby at the same time. It’s so hard! I’m sure you’re trying the best you can. Do you have family close by? Someone that can come and watch them for you to give you a few hours of a break? When I’m having a rough time I need to get out of the house and have some alone time to regroup and come back in a different mind set. I’d also tell your husband how you’re feeling. It’s sweet of you to not burned him but you both are a team and being home 24/7 raising kids is such a hard job! Let him know and maybe you both can come up with some sort of solution to get a little break. Is your son the same way with your husband? Meaning do you think he’d act differently alone with him ? I say this because my toddler doesn’t whine or do her usual things with her dad or anyone else. Maybe you can try that out. I hope you feel better soon and get a break! ❤️
thank you so much for making me feel like I’m not alone! It’s so hard and I’m sure a lot of my emotion is just hormonal and trying to adjust to 2 kiddos. Last night I needed an ingredient for dinner, so I just kind of stormed out of the house and told my husband he’s on duty I have to run to the store. Best 10 minutes of my life! Haha he seemed a bit irritated because he had a rough day at work, but it’s like my days are rough every day! It’s such a bummer that his job is so stressful and demanding because I feel the same way but feel like I can’t complain I should be so lucky and feel so blessed to be able to stay home. It’s an internal struggle for sure and when I have made comments to my husband about it he’s definitely supportive and understanding but it’s almost like yeah I get it I’m stressed too. It is what it is type of reaction.
I think I’m kind of feeling like I’ve lost my sense of self a little bit. Like who am I, what am I supposed to be doing with my life. Is this all I’ll ever be. I definitely think a night out is crucial. Also, I think I don’t ask for help a lot because I know how challenging my toddler is and I hate to put that on my family. He loves them and does really well with them behavior wise, but he’s a lot and our parents are older, so I think I just feel a lot of guilt.
You are still postpartum. Your body and hormones are in constant flux still. So your stressful days are NOT the same as his! You should be explicit and tell him that. You gave birth!! I have a 4.5 month old and around 3 months pp I started to show signs of PPA/PPD. I had a really bad month after that but am finally feeling steadily better now. My point is you are likely experiencing some degree of this too. Most PPA/PPD goes unreported. But the feeling of being so overwhelmed and full of dread are big signs. You need more help in order not to get much worse. I know your new baby is only 2 months so you might not want to leave them with just anybody. But if you can’t get a family member to come over and give you a day of relief then hire a sitter. And do this regularly!!! Even weekly right now if you have to. But I really do think you need to have a serious talk with your husband and let him know the gravity of the situation and remind him you’re the one still in the postpartum phase.
You need to show yourself GRACE. The first 3 months of having two kids feels impossible. I CRIED SO MUCH. I dreaded being alone with them, that doesn’t make you a bad mother! My second just turned 1 and I can promise you it gets better. At 6 months I noticed a huge turning point once your second can sit stably on their own. Game changer. Then once they start crawling they can actually interact with the older one and start playing, it’s so amazing. For the first time when I’m alone with them I don’t feel completely overwhelmed. It takes TIME.
Few things:
- you need to be honest with your husband, you guys are partners and need to be in this together. You need to tag team at night and weekends so you can breathe. We have sleepin days on the weekend, so every Saturday he sleeps in and Sunday I sleep in. I look forward to this every week. I just stay in my room alone until 10am in heaven.
-it’s great that you are seeking a behavioral therapist for your son. Having a sibling is a HUGE adjustment and his behavior is reflecting that. I try to go into everything the same consistent way with my toddler. I never raise my voice, zero yelling. I stay calm, speak clearly, and have very clear boundaries. I respect her physical space, so I never grab her unless safety is an issue, or if she refuses to move. I give options for everythinggggggg, “do you want to walk up the stairs or mama to carry you up?” She’s going up the stairs, that’s the boundary, but giving them the idea that they can make a choice really helps with behavior.
-The hitting is problematic but is age appropriate. My toddler is very sweet and not aggressive to us, but she will straight up punch her sister in the face out of no where! We handle hitting the same way every single time. Firm no, move the baby (we don’t touch the toddler cuz if you do then they just scream about you grabbing their arm or hand), quick lesson on empathy and being kind, then redirect and move on. What I have found be a game changer is praising positive behavior. I spent all day focusing on her negative behavior and I realized very little praise. So I reframed it and now make a huge deal everytime she hands something nicely or acts kind. “Oh wow what an amazing big sister”. This has made the biggest difference and increased her positive behavior a ton.
Sorry an essay, hang in there!
ugh thank you! I needed to hear that it takes time and will hopefully get better. I feel like I’m losing my marbles sometimes it’s overwhelming. But I’m hopeful that once my newborn gets a bit older they will play together more and that will be so lovely to see and hopefully that’ll help my older son with having a “friend” too.
I definitely think I need to be more consistent with my parenting style for sure. Maybe that’s why he’s acting out and needs a more consistent reaction. I definitely think the speaking firmly and directly to him does help so instead of using all different forms of discipline I need to stick with that one because it is the best one compared to everything else.
That’s the thing I totally know hitting is normal but I think it just kills me that he’s doing that. It stresses me out so much because he can be so sweet and loving and to know that MY CHILD is the aggressor at school breaks my heart. Like where in the word are you learning this from because we definitely don’t act that way at home, so what is happening! I feel like his teachers get so fed up with it, it feels like they don’t like him very much and that makes me even more sad. Is he specifically fighting going to school because he doesn’t feel loved or accepted? Is he hitting because they aren’t giving him the attention he needs? It’s so hard to know! Maybe I should pull him out and try another school if this doesn’t resolve itself. I don’t know.
Im really praying we figure all of this out soon. It really sucks and I’m normally such an uplifting and positive person. This is tough. Thank you for the support!
I feel for you because I’ve been there! My kids are two and four now. Honestly, what got me through was reminding myself that it was a time in my life, a challenging time, that wouldn’t last forever. You sound like a great mom because you care so much! It WILL get better with time.
A friend of mine noticed that her daughter was getting super overwhelmed once the baby came and she ended up bringing in an occupational therapist for her daughter, which she said helped. I’ve honestly never hear of that approach, but maybe it’s worth looking into ����♀️ good luck mama, you can get through this ����
I am so sorry ! And I totally commend you for seeking help. I have no magic answers but I definitely feel like your babes may benefit from some one on one time with each parent and then you some time to yourself and ultimately some time for you and your husband. Please lean on your family/ friends that are close to you , you need help and should not be ashamed ! Sending love ❤️
Sending love! I am so sorry you are going through a hard time. I have a 2.5 year old and an almost 2 month old too so I can totally relate. Kudos to you for seeking behavioural help, you are doing the best you can for your child. Xx
Thank you all so much! I cannot tell you how nice it is to have the support and understanding! It’s so hard and to know I’m not alone means the world! I’m so glad the day is over and I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow and if it’s not better I’ll do my best to get through each tough moment one step at a time.
Just keep swimming… just keep swimming….am I right?? ����
you’re totally right! Hang in there, one day at a time, and you’ll find yourself in a new season. I also have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old and it is hard! I just wanted to pop in and say solidarity and also add to the book recommendations- I recently read Mothering Our Boys by Maggie Dent and it’s been a game changer for how I view my toddler and it gave me a whole new understanding of some of his behaviors which gave me a lot more patience with him. Two huge takeaways for me were how much little boys really want to please their moms (and others) and how often they are also confounded by how naughty they are; the other is just how unable little boys are to receive feedback unless they are completely calm. I feel like remembering he wants to be good even when he’s destroying things and willfully ignoring me gives me a smidge more patience. And I’ve gotten way more intentional about our bedtime time together and letting that be the unwind time where we can rehash what happened that day and what could have happened differently
thank you so much!! Ordering that book as I type this! Thank you I need to remember that he is a good boy! He’s just figuring life out and he doesn’t understand everything. Shoot I don’t understand everything in life. He was so loving and kind last night and it made me realize that even though this is such a hard time in MY life, looking at his little hands and face he’s struggling to figure out his own place in this world. I need to remember that! I have to remember how little he is. ��
why don’t you sit down with your mom and then MIL with your calender and schedule some time off! Maybe one could take one and one take the other - at same time- so it’s easier for them and you get some real time off in the diary to look forward to!
you read my mind! I asked if they could each take one kiddo on Sunday for a hubby and me day off. They gladly accepted so I cannot wait!!! Thank you so much! ��
aaaah so pleased for you! Enjoy!
Stay strong Mama. You are doing a great job in raising your children. If your toddler is refusing to go to daycare, try talking to him about why he doesn’t want to go. Is he scared of anyone there. Don’t stress out..!!
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