I had a passionate affair with my mate’s wife and now we’re together — but bitter ex won’t leave us alone
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DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD a passionate affair with my mate’s wife and it has led to so much hurt. I am 33 and have known my friend since we were both 15.
I was seeing a lovely girl and we often went out as a foursome but one particular night, about three months ago, my mate’s wife seemed to be upset. She’s 29. At one point in the evening she got up and ran outside the pub crying. My friend got up to go after her but I stopped him and said I’d go instead and play the peacemaker.
She was still crying when I got outside so I gave her a hug. I went to kiss her but she pulled away saying she’d be OK. We both went back inside and I didn’t think any more about it.
My mate works away a lot and the next week I received a text from his wife. She apologised for her behaviour the week before and asked if we could meet up. I jumped at the chance, as I’ve always had feelings for her.
We met for a coffee and she started to tell me about the problems in her marriage. I went to kiss her goodbye as we left. She asked if I could take her home. Never one to miss an opportunity I drove back to her house and we ended up having sex.
It was great. She was insatiable — unlike my girlfriend, who even undresses with the light ot.We kept seeing one another but we got careless and her husband found a text message from me on her phone. The fallout has been horrendous. My relationship and my mate’s marriage both broke up with a lot of shouting and tears. At least nobody involved has any kids.
His wife and I are now together and we are trying very hard to create a relationship but my mate won’t leave us be. He won’t accept that I’m with her now.
How can I make everything work out? I do feel guilty but all we want is the chance to be a happy couple.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You have caused a lot of hurt but the damage is done, so let’s hope you and your mate’s wife can make a relationship work. Day-to-day life is very different from having a passionate sneaky affair.
Is your partner 100 per cent sure she wants to be with you and not try again with her marriage? If she is sending him mixed messages, he will just keep hanging on in hope.
If you are both clear that you are committed, write him a joint letter saying you are sorry he is hurting but he is just hurting himself more by pestering you.
Spell out that neither of you wants any further contact except to organise the divorce.
He should get the message – but if he is at all menacing, be clear that harassment is a crime and you will go to the police if need be.
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