Which came first, the acerbic one-star review or the flouncing celebrity chef? It's a question I ask myself as, pessimistically, I sit down to lunch alongside coach-loads of Chinese tourists at Gordon Ramsay's new brasserie in Bordeaux named - what else? - Le Bordeaux Gordon Ramsay, a split-level dining room in the town's Le Grand Hôtel.
How do I know I'm in the right place? Well, aside from the tourists taking pictures of their entrées, there is an awning advertising the fact that said famous British chef is indeed in situ. Despite Ramsay's dominance, this is my first time meeting the chef or eating his food; quite an achievement if you contemplate his two-decade long ubiquity on the global food scene, and one that he might find rather insulting.
The food is, in fact, surprisingly good. The problem with Ramsay's commercial success is that you expect all his restaurants to be Fine McDining. But my pork terrine still manages to taste of pig, marbled beautifully with hazelnuts and a home-made piccalilli, while my cod main is perhaps the best piece of fish I have eaten outside my in-laws' house in Chantilly. (Although I have to say this, it's also the truth.)
Not that Ramsay cares what I or, indeed, any reviewer writes. Why would he? His achievements are staggering: his restaurant on Royal Hospital Road alone has held three Michelin stars now for more than 15 years, London's longest ever three-star reign. And the sister restaurant upstairs here in the Grand Hôtel, Le Pressoir d'Argent, won its first Michelin star last September after being open for only four months. So why does he still bother cooking - or at least endorsing new food - for us mortals when surely he could be making beans on toast for David and Victoria Beckham for the rest of his days?
"Good question. When you're not busy you work to get busy and when you are busy you look to stay there." Ramsay is more softly spoken in person than the pantomime villain we see giving poor US MasterChef contestants the hairdryer treatment on television. Despite the lower decibels, however, he still manages to sound like an army drill sergeant, though he's hardly intimidating.
When he talks, his tiny eyes ignite like the backlight on an iPhone 7, two blue pilot flames burning out of the cavernous folds that make up his face. "Have you ever met the UFC fighter Conor McGregor? No? Well, he fights because he loves it. People always think it's about the money but it's not; it's the passion. I need the pressure. I need that hit. And I like ruffling feathers."
Read more: 2008: Gordon Ramsay
Now that social media has made every diner into an instant critic, does Ramsay miss the weekly sparring with the likes of Giles Coren? "Well, I kicked the f***ers out long before the internet - I don't think we're doing too badly, do you? The whole blog thing has only improved chefs. We get the feedback earlier."
But now, I counter, the critics he's being judged by are unqualified. "It's hard for chefs to be judged by people who know less about food than they do - that's the kick in the bollocks. You take someone like AA Gill, his talent, his humour, the guy should have a f***ing stand-up show!
"They all tried TV. I saw an ad for Giles Coren's Million Dollar Critic show - 'I've closed restaurants, I've made chefs cry...' Giles Coren, you pompous prick! Seriously. Come on, Lord Napoleon! When I worked with him on The F Word he wouldn't drink the wine we served and he'd send the waiter out to buy his own expensive stuff. Critics walk into restaurants now and they shiver because they're already full. In the Nineties they had power - and bile - but they can't close us down anymore."
Remember the Pétrus debacle? Back in 2008 Ramsay split with its head chef, Marcus Wareing, and opened up Pétrus (part three) round the corner. AA Gill and Coren dined there together and utterly eviscerated the place. Gill wrote: "Everything about this restaurant, this food, this service is hopelessly passé, utterly has-been. So, so completely defunctly dead." Gill described his John Dory fillet as having been "overcooked or liberated from the Natural History Museum". Although perhaps unfair, Gill is, as ever, nothing if not wonderfully poetic in his assassination.
How sharply did that review sting? "When Giles and Adrian did a number on me they f***ed me sideways," Ramsay admits. "I had to go to get stitches. But I walked round the following week, when it was solid and full, and people would come and say, 'I can't believe it was as bad as that, what did you do to them to warrant such treatment?' And then I remembered: I kicked them out. So you have to take it on the chin. But now, at 49, my skin is a lot thicker. Every shitty article like that we send to Vegas to make paper for my new fish and chip shop. I can't take critics seriously anymore." And as for Coren's television programme, has Ramsay actually seen it? "It got pulled after one series."
Le Bordeaux Gordon Ramsay, 2-5 Place de la Comédie, 33000 Bordeaux, France. +33 557 30 43 04. gordonramsayrestaurants.com
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