On winning
"[He's] as happy as a hound-dog who's won a year's supply of Boneo."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer … [Eric] Bristow's only 27."
"Look at the man go: it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter."
On losing
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"Bob came on like the Laughing Cavalier … now he looks like Lee Van Cleef on a bad night."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
On feeling the pressure
"He's perspiring like a pudding in a pot."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"His face is sagging with tension."
On silence in the hall
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them."
"There was less noise when Pompeii was swamped in lava! Absolute pandemonium here! Barmaids are frozen like Greek statues watching! No beer's been served! Everybody's eyes [are] absolutely hooked on that board."
"You could hear a blob of vinegar drop on a chip in this hall."