On culture
I don't see why people are so snooty about Channel Five. It has some respectable documentaries about the Second World War. It also devotes considerable airtime to investigations into lap-dancing, and other related and vital subjects (2002)
On being a candidate for Clwyd South West
They wanted me to get up at the absolute crack of dawn to go milking. In retrospect I probably should have done it. I do know which end of a cow to pull, roughly speaking - if you see what I mean (1997)
On drugs
I can't remember what my line on drugs is. What's my line on drugs? (2005)
On his first job (at a management consultancy)
Try as I might, I could not look at an overhead projection of a growth profit matrix and stay conscious (2004)
On family reconciliation after his first affair
Put on a good Christmas and it'll be all right (2004)
On europe
I can hardly condemn UKIP as a bunch of boss-eyed, foam-flecked euro hysterics, when I have been sometimes not far short of boss-eyed, foam-flecked hysteria myself (2004)
On James Blunt
If she's so beautiful, stop standing there in your T-shirt and floppy fringe, and hush your hopeless falsetto crooning. Go out and get her (2005)
On his prospects
The awful truth is that people do take me seriously ... you must consider the possibility that underneath it all there really may lurk a genuine buffoon (2007)
My chances of becoming Prime Minister are about as good as the chances of my being reincarnated as an olive (2004)
On voting conservative
It's an attested fact that under Conservative governments the quality of living of the British people has immeasurably improved, leading to better denticians, higher calcium consumption ... leading inexorably to superior mammary glands (2005)
On his journalism
The highest moment [was] when Joe Strummer sent me a letter saying how much he'd admired a column I'd written, about hunting, funnily enough (2005)
On obesity
Whatever Jamie Oliver says, McDonald's are incredibly nutritious and, as far as I can tell, crammed full of vital nutrients and rigid with goodness (2005)