Name: The Royal Oak.
Age: Old, but under new management.
Appearance: Stone-and-timber coaching inn.
Location: The South Yorkshire village of Ulley.
Atmosphere: Uptight.
How do you mean, uptight? It’s a bit rules-based.
What sort of rules? Well, there’s no music or TV or wifi.
Good. I prefer a quiet drink. And no trainers may be worn.
No trainers? You did say it was a pub, didn’t you? No trainers, no jogging bottoms, no hi-vis workwear, no vest tops, no motorbikes or mopeds [draws breath], no sitting on the wall outside, no children after 7pm …
Christ, are you allowed to drink in there? Of course. Unless you’re wearing trainers or jogging bottoms, sitting on the wall outside, or …
How perfectly ridiculous. Indeed – the regulations have led some to call the Royal Oak Britain’s strictest pub.
And how is the regime being received by customers? Not terribly well. “Don’t go to the Royal Oak at Ulley,” reads a recent one-star Tripadvisor review. Another from Google says: “Run like a concentration camp but with more rules, avoid like the plague.”
At least it’s good news for the other pubs in Ulley. The Royal Oak is the only pub in Ulley.
Why on earth have the landlords done this?
It’s unclear. They are at present referring all requests for comment to the brewery, Samuel Smith.
And what is the brewery saying? They’re saying nothing.
Didn’t Samuel Smith once ban swearing in all its pubs? That’s right. The head of the family-owned chain, 73-year old Humphrey Smith, imposed the ban last year. The eccentric Mr Smith is reported to visit his establishments frequently and unannounced, adding random rules and sacking staff for minor mistakes. When the Royal Oak first banned motorcyclists from its premises last year, the pub claimed the edict came from the top.
So is Humphrey behind all their other rules, too? That’s unclear, unless you believe the Google review from yesterday that says: “The looney tune owner Humphrey Smith (Sam Smiths Brewery) has done all this.”
“Looney tune” is an unconfirmed diagnosis, I trust. Yes. Smith also made the news in 2016, when he refused to allow a temporary bridge to be built on brewery land after floods washed away the only crossing in Tadcaster.
He does sound a bit of a one. He does.
Do say: “The evil clown mask is fine, but you can’t use your phone at the bar.”
Don’t say: “Anyone seen my pub shoes?”
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