'The first time we met was gut-wrenchingly awkward': can you be friends with your partner's ex?

Today my friend bought me some flowers. She bought them because her car broke down and I insured her on mine for the weekend. It cost me nothing and I didn’t even need my car, so it was zero bother. But I looked like a massive hero. And I got some lovely sunflowers.

I should add that my friend is the former wife of my partner, James. She’s “the ex”, the mother of his 14-year-old son and nine-year-old daughter. She’s the woman he married and wanted to be with for ever. Her name is Emily. She’s alarmingly beautiful, highly intelligent and the designer of a very successful brand of baby carrier.

I lent her my car because she was in a bind and we are friends. I know. It’s a shock.

“Oh God – what’s the other woman like?” “That must be awful.” Everyone has a question – men and women, close friends and new acquaintances. Despite the fact that nearly one in 10 children in the UK are thought to live in step or blended families, the term “stepmother” still has the whiff of an austere lady sending her new partner’s children off to boarding school.

But I was keen to take on the moniker. I don’t want to be “Daddy’s girlfriend”, I want to be a legitimate part of this family.

And family means Emily, too.

James and I met in March 2016 – less than two months after his separation from Emily following seven years of marriage. What started as a “Tinder special” unexpectedly became a serious relationship. In early 2018, I moved in with James; he and Emily had sold their house and bought separately. Emily’s house is about 10 minutes’ walk away, and the children spend 50% of their time in each house. It’s scrupulously fair (there’s a spreadsheet and everything). But it hasn’t always been like the blended Brady Bunch.

“The introduction of another woman taking a ‘mum’ role with my kids hit very suddenly,” Emily told me. “I’d heard that this person had come and had dinner with my kids and read them bedtime stories. It was the stories that smarted most. Bedtime is a private, personal time. It felt like a stranger had stepped into a very intimate space uninvited.”

I was introduced to the children with no great ceremony and we all sat in the kitchen eating pasta – simple. But Emily’s right. What started as dinner leaked into bedtime and I was carried along into teeth brushing and a chapter of Harry Potter. I thought it was fine – but I wasn’t a parent then.

The advice I could find online made it sound like becoming a step-parent was something that occurred overnight. Like the children woke up one morning to find me flipping pancakes in the kitchen. Really it’s more like a slow fade. You start as Daddy’s new friend, slide into being a girlfriend, and finally tip into living together, staring at wet towels on the floor and wondering how you went so quickly from gin and tonic to fish fingers and peas.

And as I slowly faded into parenthood, I understood more how Emily must have felt at the beginning. Despite this, she has told me that, after that initial pang, she never felt jealous or displaced.

Emily and I met for the first time a little while after the bedtime story episode – a drink in the local pub, with James. It was gut-wrenchingly awkward. James told us that his new wifi password involved the word “pinkflute” and we all laughed far too hard.

It was clear from the conversation that evening that James and Emily intended to work hard to maintain a close relationship in raising their children. So Emily and I made an effort. We didn’t meet for coffee and cake; it was more copious cups of tea in kitchens at birthday parties. And the more we got to know each other, the better it became. We confided in each other about our insecurities and found they were surprisingly similar. We both had moments where we felt like the extra person.

Now the two of us go to class assemblies if James is busy. We sit together. We grin and wave; we cry with pride.

Of course, there are awkward conversations. Post-divorce parenting involves negotiating differing priorities. Imagine adding another voice into that mix.

I’m obsessed with self-efficacy and tidy hair; James bangs on about independence and screen time; Emily’s focus is emotional literacy and toilet flushing. They’re all important, but can bump against each other in the everyday raising of two children.

We have a WhatsApp group that includes the oldest – he can tell us all if he gets school letters and we can remind each other of the practical stuff like PE kits and musical instruments (useful when you’re in two houses).

Much of the advice on step-parenting says to leave the nitty-gritty to the natural parents. But I’m not really a “step back” kind of woman. I’ve thrown myself into it all, and James and Emily have let me. While I think there are elements of my friendship with Emily that make James a little uncomfortable – no man likes to think of his girlfriend and ex-wife talking about him – he wants there to be cohesion.

Emily says she believes it takes a village to raise a family: “I actively encourage my kids to get to know other adults, so that when they need help there will always be safe people to go to. I’m thrilled that they have you to talk to - that they can benefit from your perspective and positive input in their lives.” And I have great admiration for her. I love those children and she values that enormously.

The children themselves have extraordinary resilience. I’ve been lucky – aside from the usual boundary-pushing, I’ve never had any “You’re not my mum” moments. They’re bright and thoughtful – we talk it out if there’s a problem. I did once accidentally bump the youngest while moving a chair and she burst into tears saying, “You hit me with a chair!” and I thought, “Balls – this looks pretty bad…”

But they’ve embraced their extra parent. The moment I was first referred to as a stepmum because I am “basically like a mum anyway”, my heart nearly exploded in my chest.

“Parenting is challenging,” Emily says. “Adding a third perspective into the mix can make the whole situation easier for everyone. It just takes an open-minded attitude, some self-awareness on all sides, and the shared goal of providing a positive, stable environment for our kids to grow up in.”

So we will continue to work on our friendship; to raise each other up because we fervently believe that this is what women should do; to promote love and respect to these two kick-ass kids we are so fortunate to be raising.

And yes, the car’s there any time you want, Emily.

Lucy Frederick’s standup show about becoming a stepmother, Famtastic, is on until 25 August 2019 at Underbelly, Edinburgh, underbellyedinburgh.co.uk

How step-parents and ex-partners can get along

Children are not harmed by divorce or separation, but by continuing conflict. If parents and step-parents can work together, they will thrive in a more positive environment

For the step-parent

Be open-minded about your partner’s ex. There may be a lot of bad feeling lingering after the separation and your partner’s view of them may well be soured by this. Take time to form your own view.

Offer to meet for a coffee to introduce yourself and get to know one another. If they decline, then perhaps they’re not ready. You can always try later.

When the children are staying with you, try not to ask too much about the other parent – it may make them feel awkward. If they talk about them, however, be positive.

Stepfamilies can be complicated. Keep a family calendar and encourage your partner to add dates when the children are visiting. This should reduce confusion when planning weekends and holidays.

For the ex

Remember that step-parents are never trying to replace you. In my years of research I have found this to be the case without exception.

Take the opportunity to get to know them – they could well be playing an important and long-term part in your children’s upbringing.

Don’t make demands that are unreasonable (eg you don’t want “them” picking up the children from school).

Try not to interfere in the way your children are parented when they’re with your ex and step-parent unless there are serious problems. They may do things differently to you but that’s OK, we all parent differently. Over time, you can start working more closely together on issues such as discipline and behaviour – but this can happen only once you have developed trust in each other.

Try to be positive about the step-parent in conversation with your children. If they know you’re happy then they will be more relaxed and confident. Make sure they know to be polite and show respect when they are with them.

By Dr Lisa Doodson, a chartered psychologist specialising in stepfamilies and author of How To Be A Happy Stepmum