Hi, Bikers. Mums Know Best is back! What with all that hair and everything, did your mothers find it hard to love you?
Dave (2) Our mothers loved us alright. We seem to get on well with mams in general, really.
Si (1) My mam didn't have facial hair. She was a slave to Immac. But she loved me and women with facial hair are OK by us.
In Mums Know Best, you drop in on mums (3) around the UK to bag family recipes. Was the Oxo mum (4) in?
Dave We couldn't bloody find her!
Si She's too busy making pots of money on Loose Women.
How about that mum who serves up a KFC bargain bucket for dinner because it's "mum's night off?" Got any advice for her?
Si She should go to the supermarket and buy something more interesting.
Dave If she looks inside the Mums Know Best cookbook, which is still currently available, she'll find the Hairy Bikers recipe for Chicken Maryland. Satisfaction guaranteed, madam.
Has anyone got excited when you've rung their doorbell because they thought the Bee Gees have come to visit?
Dave What, and thought, "Aye, the Bee Gees have put on a bit of weight?"
Has anyone slammed the door in your face in fear that Dave Lee Travis (5) and the Honey Monster have come to ask for their cornflakes/Sugar Puffs back?
Dave We do look a bit like the Honey Monster, don't we?
Si It's the beards, isn't it?
Dave Si's beard looks like a terrier's arse if I do this. [Grabs Si by the lips].
Si [Waggles tongue].
Dave Don't poke the tongue out!
You're hairy and ride bikes. Makes sense. What mode of transport would complement other TV chefs?
Dave Gordon (6) – he's angry. He'd ride the H-bomb.
Si Or get in a tank.
Dave Jamie (7) – he's pukka, that's why he rides a Lambretta.
Si It suits Jamie, that.
Dave Hugh (8) – he's posh, so he'd have a chauffeur.
Si Or a Morris Minor.
Dave Nigella (9) – she's sexy. She'd have a Rolls Royce.
Si A bring pink one, with a deep calfskin interior.
Dave Delia (10) – she's mumsy, so she'd have a Mini.
Si A Mini Clubman.
Dave Marco (11) – he'd have something French.
Si A Citroën DS.
Dave Ainsley (12) – he's tall, so he'd have a convertible.
Si I see Ainsley in a Transit van.
Dave Worrall Thompson (13) – he's diddy so he'd have …
Si A booster cushion?
Dave Or a Mini Moke.
Which of the following are genuine Hairy Biker recipes and which are entries from Roger Mellie's Profanisaurus (14)?
Shropshire Fidget?
Both Us.
Sultan's Delight?
Both Us.
Bun In The Oven?
Both Roger.
Corden Bleugh?
Both Roger.
Medfouna Pastry?
Both Us. It's bread stuffed with meat.
Phlegm Brûlée?
Both Roger.
Cholesterol Special?
Both Roger. Although it sounds like us!
Mums Know Best, 10 Feb, 8pm, BBC2
1 Looks like a cross between a Bee Gee & Dave Lee Travis
2 A cross between a Bee Gee & the Honey Monster
3 And dads
4 Lynda Bellingham
5 AKA the Hairy Cornflake
6 Ramsay
7 Oliver
8 Fearnley-Thingy
9 Lawson
10 Smith
11 Pierre White
12 Harriott
13 Antony
14 From Viz