Stothert & Pitt 2s v Old Bristolians 2s v Saltford Pubs

Suddenly it was the final game of the season. We had put so much emphasis on last week’s epic, but ultimately fruitless, encounter v champions elect, Old Reds, that this week was in danger of being a bit of an anti climax. We were down to the bare 15 which included recently crocked peg-leg ’Pirate Steve’ . Skipper Hamblett seemed to have one thing on his mind when I enquired about his team selections during the week: ‘he’s an alright player, but a good lad and will be great value on the pub crawl. That’s the main criteria of the selection this week.’

Yes, to mark the end of an enjoyable and mainly successful 2s campaign, we had planned a country pub crawl after the match and our starting 15 reflected this- with a 73% turn out for beers after. To heighten the carnival atmosphere, in the morning of the match Hamblett insisted everyone bring sweets to share. This left most of the front row with a sugar come down about 40 minutes into the match. But I got the feeling that Hamblett’s bravado started to fade a bit the nearer we came the kick off. He also looked very worried as we went out to warm up. Stotherts had a squad of 28 training. I know this because Hamblett counted them and we soon went from bantering happily to asking whether their 1s had a match and trying to believe our skipper’s unconvincing chat about having too many subs only weakens a team. Add to this the fact that we didn’t bring any warm up balls and Stotherts kindly lent us 2 bars of soap to practice with and our confidence wasn’t especially high at kick off.

We needn’t have worried. We were 10 points up in about as many minutes, thanks to 2 good run ins by Cornelius on the right wing. Stotherts managed a penalty as the sugar rush subsided and at this point we were at our most vulnerable, especially when Joe went down with a sickening squeal on the left wing. Things didn’t look good. We were facing an hour’s rugby with 14 men, but thanks to an army medic on the touch line, his shoulder was popped back in and he continued on the premise that we didn’t call a shank. He then went onto to score the only post dislocation hat-trick I have ever witnessed. It made his injury squeal even more embarrassing in retrospect.

This wasn’t the end of the merriment. We were very comfortably 27-3 up at half time, with Guy Hughes smashing over for yet another unconverted (by Hamblett) try and suddenly the ref decided to take matters into his own hands (1). He had had a quiet first half (the sign of a good ref), apart from a slightly odd moment when he called the captains in to say the next high tackle would result in a yellow card. Seeing that he had yet to penalise anyone for high tackling this didn’t make much sense, but was fine with us as our mantra of late, has been to tackle low.

However, after Joe had scored his second soon after half time, we were hit by a series of bizarre decisions, including the carding of that cynical hatchet man, Guy Youll and two minutes later Andy Edwards. They were both baffling decisions, the second so confusing that Colton was heading off the pitch before being called back. We survived 7 minutes as 13 men with awesome defence, which is probably what most of us will remember from the game..... until...
Back to a full compliment we attacked with verve down the right and Cornelius with an eye on jug avoidance put in a speculative kick rather than pinning his ears back. Most of us moaned at this point as there was plenty of Stotherts cover, but the hapless defender was in such a panic that he tried to launch a Lambo style ‘Jesus Christ ‘ clearance (2) but unlike Lambo he failed to even connect, leaving the ball bobbling behind the line at the feet of one Jonthan ‘Jonty’ Whittle. Such a calamitous passage of play fully deserved Jonty’s re-action. Rather than simply dotting the ball down, he performed a WWF style no hands, slam down as if to mask his embarrassment at scoring in such circumstances.

The pack underlined their superiority with a driving maul try, scored by Seb and Joe completed his hat-trick before the ref decided to send off Chilman, for why, I’m not sure. This meant the last few minutes were also spent in desperate, brilliant defence and even a man so big that his belly needed an extra shirt (christened Jonty’s Petal) was stripped of the ball as he dived over (by Hamblett).

It was a great game to finish on, with plenty of incident and numerous great tries. But the real point of the day was upon us: the pub crawl. This started, as you would expect, in the Stotherts clubhouse. We were joined by Hamblett’s Dad, who surprisingly seemed to be a really good bloke. He took the many chides about his error 30 odd years ago in good heart and acted as team photographer. Meanwhile Hamblett talked the Bath Chronicle reporter through our try scorers (look out for Jonty Whittle and Steve Pirate appearing in next week’s edition).

Our first pub in Saltford was The Jolly Sailor, down by Saltford Lock. It raised a long debate about the merits of Canal Boat holidays. Most people were in favour. Alex Watson claimed to have been on about 20. That’s almost 1 for every year of his life. Whittle argued against their merits but his experience seems to have been on a trip where there were no pubs and probably turned into that episode of Peep Show where they end up eating a dog. The rest of the group were so enthused by the chat that it was decided that we need to organise a canal boat trip for next tour and find a team with a pitch next to a waterway so we can arrive to the strain of Ride of the Valkyries and disembark straight onto the pitch. There was then a long discussion about other potential tour venues. The Isle of Man sounded like a winner until Whittle told us how one of his tour party killed a member of the opposition in a marathon drinking competition. We drained our pints with slightly less [fewer] relish than usual and headed to The Bird in Hand.

It was here that for the benefit of the masses we decided to put together a good pub guide so that you can all relive our experience (see below). The Bird in Hand was enjoyable for the good beer and the second half of the Northampton vs. Leicester match but not a lot of chat. Joe had received some bad news from his mother, that he had received a speeding ticket from last time he had visited her. Apparently the ginger Lewis Hamilton had been topping all of 26 mph.
At this stage Stubbsy finally had to give into the demands of his Brighton-based girlfriend (having told her he was en route for the last 2 hours) and headed off. It was suggested that he use an Ian Caple style rogue transmitter app (3), but we weren’t able to fix that up for him in time.

Our problem now was that we only had one car and there were still 10 of us on the crawl. The Riverside Inn was only a 5 minute walk away but Alex was insistent that we all got a lift with him. This was completed with aplomb (2 in the front, 4 in the back, two across the bonnet and two in the boot). We were in no danger of hitting Joe’s average speed and I’m not sure how much good it did Alex’s car. Even when Colton and I jumped off the boot, the under carriage was only clearing the road by a matter of millimetres.

The Riverside proved to be a highlight of the tour, even if it was a bit chilly to enjoy the pleasant waterfront aspect. Instead we got comfy on the sofas, talked about the price of nuclear fuel and took the p1ss out of Tim Hodson’s wedding pictures. As Coughlan put "for a reasonably handsome man you don’t half look ugly in any photo you appear in". For his part, Tim riled us further by implying that OBs were a bad club for not making people get naked when they perform press ups as a fine. Inevitably, Tim was later being made to show us how it was done as will moved on to the next pub.

The final stop was The Crown on the main road, where we were treated to a 50s covers band. Even for me this was a little out dated so we embarked upon some old school drinking games, which proved just the tonic for a long bus journey home. As the rump of the group waited for the dependable X39, I skipped off through the fields to my new home reflecting upon an excellent season and a great bunch of lads. As a season closer and fun-bus/ club dinner/ tour hors d’oeuvre, this was indeed a Super Saturday.

(1) After the debacle in the 1s match this week I hesitate to discuss the official but his input was extremely significant to the second 40 minutes.
(2) An uncoordinated cross field clearance from the try line which normally goes straight to the open-side opposition winger, patented by our erstwhile club captain.
(3) This is the device which the popular former 2nd team coach of 1 month, manages to show his adoring following that he is living a jet set life style (Australia, Dubai, The Virgin Isles), whilst walking down the Gloucester Road or sitting in 5 Guys.
Stothert & Pitt 2s 3-44 Old Bristolians 2s

Tries: Pirate Steve 3, Cornelius 2, Hughes, Whittle, Donovan
Cons: Hamblett, Hodson

MotM: Hamblett gave it to me [Yarker] despite notable matches from Coughlan, Seb and Guy Hughes amongst others, but I think this was because I organised the pub crawl. Not bad logic really as it would be nice to do a couple more of these next season.
DotD: The hapless Stotherts player who gifted Jonty his try.

BoH: Seb, Guy Hughes, Cornelius and Edwards for not coming on the pub crawl; Pirate Steve for his speeding ticket going 26mph. Alex Watson for having a low under carriage. Chilman for wearing new suede shoes on a drinking session, where the odds are you will be using them as a vessel. The ref for going mental at 2 fit girls walking their dog near the pitch at half time. Stubbsy for continuing a long distance relationship without a Capel-rogue app. Me for warning the skipper that there was only 1 ball in the shirt bag and then not bringing it.

Old Bristolians 2s Good Pub Guide of Saltford (and others)

Stothert & Pitt Clubhouse:
Car park: 6 Reasonable size but a bit strung out with no markings.
Beer quality/selection: 2 No draft ale tsk!
Ambience/locals: 6.5 Friendly club-house with big screen rugby. Punters had to un-stack benches to sit outside
Seating plan: 7 Not sure why we decided this was important
Overall: 5.4/10 Fair enough for a humble rugby club house

The Jolly Sailor:
Car park: 7.5 Well set out by the river with entertainment of chavs dough-nutting and wheel spinning
Beer quality/selection: 7.5 Reasonable Wadworths Ales and various ciders
Ambience/locals: 8.5 The guys liked the barmaid
Seating plan: 8.5 Stunning riverside location in the sun. Nice long table in alcove.
Overall: 8/10 Strong

The Bird in Hand:
Car park: 6 Bit smaller than JS. No chavs.
Beer quality/selection: 7 Not sure why this was marked down as Doom Bar better than JS 6X
Ambience/locals: 8.5 Rugby on, good bar staff, friendly red faced drunks. Would have been higher but a chippy man queried Stubbsy’s load hailer. How dare he!
Seating plan: 5 Viewing area a bit squashed up.
Overall: 6/10 Good pub but let down by TV viewing area.

The Riverside:
Car park: 9 Massive. Plenty big enough for Hodson to demonstrate naked press ups without causing offence.
Beer quality/selection: 5 Only 2 Ales on tap and not as many ciders (I refuse to acknowledge lagers)
Ambience/locals: 4 A bit quiet and no women but good place to debate nuclear power.
Seating plan: 8 Good views over the river and v comfy leather sofas.
Overall: 6.5/10 Let down by beer selection and quietness

The Crown:
Car park: 6 I walked this one but reports were that car park was ‘a bit dark.’
Beer quality/selection: 7 Nice Courage Best and Green King IPA- old school.
Ambience/locals: 5 Good news: live music. Bad news: 50s covers. Clientele: 50s band groupies.
Seating plan: 7 Loads of seats. We still huddled up in a corner with a small round table and 2 chairs.
Overall: 6.25/10 Probably the least inspiring pub in the village but we were 8 pints in and it’s next to the bus stop.

Highbury Vaults: courtesy of our roaming reporter, Rob the Tan.
Car park: 0
Beer: 7
Ambience: Students with daddy issues
Seating plan: haphazard but convivial.