Category Love Thy Neighbour

I Looked Into Hell’s Foul Heart And Saw Eddie Booth Looking Back At Me

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Tonight we’re watching series 4 episode 8 (or 7 according to the DVD) which is called The Big Day where we finally reach the conclusion of the baby Booth saga. Or the beginning of it depending how you look at these things. Courage dear reader.

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Last week was tough. A real low point in a series of unbelievable lows but surely things can’t get much worse right? What the fuck am I saying? Of course it’ll get worse it always does. Unfortunately the comedy stylings of last episode have held over and we get the hilarious routine of Eddie making breakfast whilst shaving. There’s a gag about a hard boiled egg breaking a plate and burnt toast being the right colour when Bill turns up for some reason.

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King Ralph was on TV today and both Rudolph Walker and Jack Smethurst popped up so we may be covering that as part of our Christmas coverage

Bill reminds them they’re about to be dads and Eddie wonders what colour Bill and Barbie’s baby will be. Bill is black because he was born in the jungle but their baby will be less black because it’ll be born in this country. Jesus fucking Christ. The audience lap it up. That’s it we’re sticking it to the ignorant racist right? No, probably not. But we’re giving the ignorant racist a voice on primetime ITV.

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Cousin Linda is probably out there somewhere walking the streets looking for the family that have abandoned her because she’s not in this episode and doesn’t get a mention. Barbie is back properly this week and is tasked with delivering an awful joke. She’s had a dream that a doctor visited her whilst she was on the labour ward and the doctor turned out to be Ted Heath who has come to tell her she’s a Conservative and can’t stay on the Labour ward. That’s political satire for you there people. Perhaps David Frost popped by to polish the script for this week’s high brow entertainment. Ted Heath was a bit before my time but I’m sure Barbie’s impersonation was spot on. Joan is threatening to strangle nurses. The ward sister emerges as perhaps the worst guest star we’ve ever had on a show full of the worst actors. Everything she does is weirdly delivered and she’s just terrible.

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The wives are informed their husbands have arrived but it’s just a jolly jape by a pair of jolly japers. That’s right it’s fan favourites Jacko and Arthur popping by to visit the wives of their friend and sort of casual acquaintance. I can’t remember if these characters have shared any scenes and if they have I can’t imagine they’ve said more than two words to each other. This seems like a very odd thing to happen but what are you gonna do? Just hope Jacko doesn’t have a wank and pray it’ll be over soon.

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Imagine the scene if you will; Vince Powell and Harry Driver (knitting needle in mouth) have a brain storming session. They’ve had a pop at the Chinese, the blacks, the Indians and heck even the Christians have had a bit of a bashing. But who can they go after next? Which group haven’t they given a kicking to yet? The midgets suggests Powell. No too easy. What about those who have yet to define their gender? ponders Driver. No, no I’ve got something in my back pocket for that later in the episode dismisses Powell. Then suddenly inspiration strikes them both at the same time…

MUSLIMS!

So the following scene was forged by the creative genius of Powell and Driver.

Terrible nurse woman: Pardon me, ladies, for asking, but are you quite sure these gentlemen are your husbands?

Joan: Of course they are.

Fourth rate Hattie Jacques: You must be Muslims then.

Joan: Pardon?

Possibly Les Dawson’s long lost twin sister: You’ve two more husbands outside!

That explains this bizarre set up of having Arthur and Jacko turn up. It was for that 24 carat gold joke. This leads on to the suggestion that Arthur and Jacko are the girls bit on the side which is quite disturbing. We get a thick Jacko joke when Arthur calls the dreadful nurse Florence Nightingale. We haven’t had a “n*gn*g” for a while so Eddie drops one in the hospital because Bill kisses Barbie and he won’t. I fucking hate this show.

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You know what I really need to make my life better right now? An obnoxious Yorkshire man shouting pointless crap at me. Oh hooray here comes Nobby fucking Garside and his unhealthy obsession with Eddie’s baby. It’s literally just Eddie’s he’s always asking about. The fucking creepy bastard. Jacko relieves us all by confirming he will never be a father. He’s probably made a few children in the park call him daddy but none of them have survived to tell the story. Gobshite McBoomboxmouth becomes fixated on whether Eddie will have another baby which allows Jacko to slip in his catchphrase and leaves me wondering whether Nobby fucking Garside has a basement full of pictures of Eddie Booth attached to the wall with his semen which Foghorn Leghorn sits looking at whilst rubbing his nipples through his string vest.

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The boys have a lot of thoughts on fatherhood despite the fact none of them have children. Nobby fucking Garside thinks big families are the way to go. There were 11 in his family. I can only assume his mother cut her ears off or was born deaf. Half of them were boys. Arthur questions this as you can’t half 11. There were 5 boys and 5 girls and one they weren’t sure of. LTN has always been a progressive show. Years a head of everyone else. They even had transphobia first. Apparently the NHS is responsible for smaller families. There’s a gag about Arthur’s mum being deaf. It’s not very funny. Eddie arrives and the boys upset him by pointing out his son will be a southerner. Anyway Nobby fucking Garside is giving free drinks to our fathers to be and you know what that means. Drunk Eddie will be unleashed.

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Joan’s talked her baby into labour. She asks for Eddie and the terrible nurse says the other nurse will call him (at the pub). The poor nurse is now deaf as she had a phone conversation with Nobby fucking Garside. Drunk Eddie is back and worse than ever he manages to reverse his favourite racial slur (n*gn*g becomes n*gn*g). At the hospital we get a few jokes about West Indian babies. Joan, much like me, doesn’t want to have Drunk Eddie there. Bill turns up and spins a yarn about Eddie jumping into a canal to save a kitten (and Hitler loved dogs).

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You know what’s always hilarious? When someone comes up with a potion to help a character sober up. Rejecting Jacko’s offer to film some sort of Japanese fetish porn and stick his fingers down his throat Arthur plans to make the “Brewer’s Cure” with the assistance and natural comic timing of Nobby fucking Garside. He doesn’t have any of the ingredients so settle for any old shit and then make Eddie drink it. To his credit Smethurst gives a fairly funny physical performance as he drinks it. Eddie is now catatonic so Arthur tells Jacko to grab the fire bucket and pour water over him and the big gag is that it’s full of sawdust.

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Eddie arrives to find out Barbie, who hadn’t even started contractions, as had her baby first. Eddie is going to attend the birth so ends up in a doctor’s gown and mask and is, of course, confused for a surgeon. Unfortunately the episode doesn’t end with him carving up a body. Eddie finally ends up in the delivery room and passes out. The babies are born.

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Sometime later the girls are completely recovered from giving birth and remark that fatherhood has changed the boys. They’re out with the babies on a Sunday morning when normally they’d be down the pub. Hilariously that’s exactly where they are with the babies and they’re showing off the babies to the patrons who all look like they’re probably being investigated by Operation Yewtree. Both babies are, I can only assume, now completely deaf. Bill and Eddie both comment that their new born babies are just like them and then this happens…

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Jesus fucking Christ what the hell? The end credits roll on two grown men dressed as babies hitting each other with rattles to the audience roaring with laughter. If this wasn’t weird enough after the credits finish and the Thames logo that haunts my nightmares pops up an even bigger what the fuck moment occurs. Joan appears on screen and talks directly to me. She hopes I don’t really think that’s what the babies look like and her and Barbie introduce us to the “real” babies (that are perfectly normal looking human babies that I imagine are still actors). Surely people weren’t so thick in the 1970’s that they had to explain to them that men dressed as giant babies was just a joke? Baby Booth has a fucking top knot for some reason. Eddie and Bill hold each other’s babies for some reason and Eddie makes his first racist joke about baby Terry (he won’t bite you! I’m not sure about that ha ha fucking ha!). The baby pisses on Eddie and we see the house appears to be decorated for Christmas again which might explain the full head of hair both the babies have. And that’s how it ends. What the fuck am I doing with my life?

Random Musings:

  • Eddie is back to dressing like Fester Addams in Addams Family Values again.
  • Mark and Terry are fucking awful baby names. Terry appears to have been chosen for the joke “Terry? Sounds like a box of chocolates. Why didn’t you go the whole hog and call him Black Magic?” which I can only assume caused both Driver and Powell to explode in orgasmic delight at their own brilliance. Terry is Bill’s baby if you hadn’t guessed from that fucking hilarious gag.
  • The Ward Sister was played by Julie May whose credits include playing “Fat woman” in Z Cars, a dinner lady in Grange Hill and a Midwife in The Krays. She also popped up on that other racist skewering classic Till Death Us Do Part. She also appeared in Doomwatch. Several episodes of Doomwatch have been lost but not a single episode of LTN is missing. Ain’t life grand?
  • Today we got the sad news that Bill Maynard has passed away. Bill appeared in an episode of LTN we covered a while back but he shouldn’t be remembered for being in this shit. Today we end with a tribute to one of his most loved roles. Please enjoy Bill singing the theme from Heartbeat!

If You Had a Hole In the Wall You Could Stick This Episode in it Because it’s all Filler

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Tonight we’re watching an episode called “To The Hospital” which is episode six of series 4. This episode broke me and about half way through you’ll see I give up and treat it with the same amount of respect this episode treats the viewer with. This is the worst LTN “review” I’ve ever written. I apologise in advance.

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Love Thy Neighbour has always had a handicap when it comes to being is a sitcom is it’s not very funny. It’s easy to rage about the racism week after week but what about those few fleeting moments where Eddie Booth isn’t being a huge cunt? This episode is a new level of torture. It’s just a series of poorly performed and poorly written skits. This is by far the most disjointed vision of hell I’ve ever seen.

We kick off with Bill and Joan (no I have no idea why those two either) testing out a baby monitors. There’s some hilarious interplay between the two involving them having to press a button to hear each other (I started tying the noose around my neck at this point). Linda is still around for some reason (Barbie is missing until the end of the first half of the episode). Bill decides to play a joke on Eddie and uses the baby monitor to pretend he’s an alien or a ghost or some shit. I’m not being funny this is fucking awful. I don’t even have blind fury to get me through this fucking abortion. There is a bit of racism but it’s largely over shadowed by the awful, awful jokes.

Well why not move on to another random scene. Building on past episodes where we learn Eddie doesn’t have a car and this week we discover that he’s going to borrow Nobby fucking Garside’s car. They seem to have turned the volume down on Foghorn Leghorn slightly for this scene but he’s as annoying as ever. Nobby fucking Garside’s car is a piece shit and then things get even funnier when for literally no reason what so ever Nobby fucking Garside chucks the keys down a drain (which he will repeatedly say is Eddie’s fault). Eddie and Foghorn have arms to big for the drain but Bill with his “chimpanzee arms” (fuck this show seriously) can reach somehow. We see Bill’s arm in the drain and he clearly can’t reach in to it but they decide he can and now his hand is stuck in the drain. It’s just like a really poor comedy improv. This scene just randomly ends and we move on to another vignette.

Jacko is greeted as he arrives at the pub. He thinks it’s Nobby fucking Garside but soon realises (as his ears aren’t bleeding) it’s actually Arthur behind the bar. This gives Jacko chance to do some of his shtick and to squeeze in the catchphrase. Nobby fucking Garside and Bill arrive and Foghorn forgives Bill for not rescuing his keys saying it’s not his fault but he still thinks it’s Eddie’s fault despite the fact he threw them down the fucking drain. With some incredibly awkward dialogue Foghorn sets up the next skit.

Eddie is having trouble with the law. He’s gone the wrong way down a one way street  and got caught by a copper he then tries to bribe with a pound. It’s not very funny. He’s told to reverse the car which he does right over the police man’s bike as he’s apparently parked it right under the back wheel of Eddie’s car. You know what fuck this. I’m giving this episode the same level of respect the writers gave me when they shit out this fucking bull shit.

Here’s the rest of the episode in list form because I can’t be fucking bothered with this shit:

  • Bill is on the phone to Barbie claiming they have no idea where Eddie is then says “oh wait he’s just walked in.” This is the level of bullshit I’m enduring.
  • Nobby fucking Garside tries his best music hall level of japery at a few hundred decibels.
  • Bill tells Eddie he needs to get home as Joan is in labour.
  • We need a hilarious stinger before the ad break so for no reason at all Bill throws the spare pair of keys down the drain.
  • Barbie pops up from nowhere.
  • We get a lot of scenes of Eddie panicking about Joan giving birth as Bill goes to find a back up vehicle.
  • It’s a plumbers van. Two seats with two broken toilets in the back. The women have to sit on the toilets because apparently that’s funny.
  • Bill is bollocked by Eddie and Barbie for not just taking racist abuse from the potato faced cunt.
  • Barbie now starts having her baby.
  • Foghorn Leghorn is giving free drinks to Jacko and Arthur. He shouts a lot.
  • We get more classic “Jacko misunderstanding things” gags.
  • Jacko makes a slightly paedophilic joke about babies having sex.
  • We spend several minutes being forced to think about Jacko’s penis which he spends a good minute describing in detail but then it all turns out to a misunderstanding. Jacko wasn’t born with a huge cock but a huge Adam’s Apple. Arthur looks as suicidal as I feel.
  • Nobby fucking Garside pops back to shout some more and to announce that Eddie and Bill haven’t made it to the hospital (because he’s fucking obsessed with the babies) which sets up the next skit.
  • Van broken down then it’s fixed.
  • Girls haven’t given birth. Eddie and Bill go to pub.
  • Worst nightmare realised. Drunk Eddie returns. Looking a bit like David Banner changing into the Hulk in the 70s Incredible Hulk series.
  • There’s some hilarious gags as Eddie picks up the wrong tray of drinks and spend what feels like an hour swapping drinks.
  • Nobby fucking Garside kicks them out for being too drunk. They announce they’re going to other pubs luckily we don’t have to see that.
  • A drunk Eddie and Bill walk the streets singing. This causes Nobby fucking Garside to come out in his string vest carrying a teddy bear. It’s fucking horrific.
  • Eddie announces he’s going to be a daddy and the credits roll. During the credits he cuddles up to Foghorn Leghorn on the door step.
  • This whole thing was a waste of my fucking time. Absolute fucking bull shit.

Next week: The nightmare finally arrives as the babies are born and we probably get to watch a walking potato shout racist abuse at a newborn baby.

When You’ve Run Out of Barrel To Scrape

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Tonight we are enduring episode 5 (or 6 if you include the new year nightmare) of series 4. This one is called Two Weeks To Babies and fucking hell.

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Normally I’d start this review with my classic line about how I think I’ve reached rock bottom with this fucking awful piece of shit but then they’ll find another level for me to fall to. But I’m not going to say that anymore because we’ve moved beyond that. We have fallen a level we’ve fallen off the top of the Empire State Building of despair and left a me shaped hole of misery that passes right through the Earth and out the other side. Powell and Driver are credited as writers but I can only assume they’d brought in some outside help on this fucking abysmal cat turd. Perhaps they recruited from the local smack den. Jesus fucking Christ what the fuck have I just fucking watched? How do I even begin to write about this fucking abortion?

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Here’s a picture of a guy from the episode of Blakes 7 I reviewed this week. That show doesn’t make me want to punch myself to death.

This show has rarely believed in logic but fuck me this is insane. The episode begins with Bill coming home after going grocery shopping (because Barbie is pregnant obviously). He comes home to lament his misadventures to a woman who isn’t Barbie. I worried at first that they’d recast Barbie with another black woman and expected us not to notice (because that’s how little regard I have for this show). But on this occasion they’re not being the biggest fucking racists in the world. It’s a new character called Linda who I guess is here to help out with Barbie as she’s, as Linda loudly points out, 8 months pregnant. Barbie, who is considerably luckier than me, does not appear in this episode at all. Linda is a cousin (it doesn’t specify whose cousin but I’m assuming Bill’s) and I learnt this from awkward expostition dialogue from the two characters (“that’s what cousins for?” Sitting around having awkward conversations about the racist neighbour apparently).

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This week I’m just googling random images

Bill had a shit time shopping. It was very stressful (as shopping always is of course) and worst of all he ran into Eddie Booth because of course he did. Eddie was shouting racist jokes at him and he tells Linda one and she chuckles away. Linda is an avatar for our knuckle dragging writers who say it’s just a joke, that he’s too sensitive and Bill should give as good as he gets. It’s nice to see this backward attitude develop sentience in this episode (not really you fucking cunts. I hope you got your knitting needle stuck in your dick hole you prannock). But lets start off with the first of our completely mental nonsensical plot twist. Apparently Bill has somehow picked up the wrong shopping (I guess in the 1970s people just abandoned their shopping ran around a bit and then picked up a random box). But who’s shopping could they possibly have picked up?

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Eddie and Joan are appalled to find yams in their shopping. D’oh they’ve got Bill’s shopping (because of course they have). Eddie thinks Bill did it on purpose because he wants to get his hands on their “superior white” food. Yes because he couldn’t buy it himself. Eddie inspects the shopping and Joan convinces him that Bill has bought a tin of missionary because of course that would be available in the local Tesco. Eddie then finds out that Bill has bought cat food and becomes convinced that Bill and Barbie eat cats (naturally they thought it was tinned cat and not food for cats). So Bill buys cat food because he wants to eat cats (this will pay off later).

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It’s time to introduce another completely pointless subplot. Joan wants Eddie to decorate the baby’s room and he’s too lazy to. We get some farce nonsense where he tries to sneak off to the pub and Joan catches him. Joan’s heading off to the antenatal class which will set up the main plot of this episode. But before we get there we need to check in with Foghorn Leghorn and the rest of the arseholes at the pub.

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Nobby fucking Garside shouts at Jacko and Arthur for no real reason and then Eddie arrives with tins of paint. He’s come to pick up beer to take home. Well the boys are all together so why don’t we have some of that classic witty banter. They’re having a look at the Daily Mirror and that brings us to everyone’s favourite segment…

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I present to you the below scene in its entirety:

Arthur: Here, Eddie, have you seen this morning’s paper?

Eddie: No why, what’s in it?

Arthur: Have a look at that. Right across the middle page. Look at that.

Eddie: Disgusting.

Jacko: (His hands fall to his crotch beneath the table) Can I have a look?

Eddie: Do you know, I’d ban pictures like that.

Arthur: So would I, it’s worse than pornographic.

Jacko: (His cheeks puff up with excitement) Please, can I have a look?

Eddie: I reckon they’re false.

Arthur: Well, they don’t look real, do they?

Jacko: (Bouncing with excitement, a faint rustling that is possibly him wanking furiously beneath the table can just be heard) I wish you’d let me have a look.

Eddie: I’ve never seen any that stick out that far.

Arthur: Neither have I, it’s terrible.

Jacko: (Looking like he’s about to pop) Oooh! (He let’s out a girlish giggle that repulses the human potato and saggy chops)

Eddie: Look at him, just look at him. He’s broke out in a hot sweat.

Jacko: (The look of a sexual beast untethered lurks behind his eyes) I want to see what you’re looking at. ‘Ey, is it Raquel Welch’s knockers? (The sound of his filthy old man trouser juice splattering against the inside of his underpants fills the air).

Eddie: No. It’s Ted Heath’s teeth.

Well I think that scene speaks for itself really.

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Jacko is apparently a Mike Yarwood fan which says a lot. Impressionists are the second lowest form of life on this planet (after Eddie Booth). Fuck the lot of them. Anyway Nobby fucking Garside yells across the pub asking if Bill will be in. This leads to Eddie telly cumstained draws and pork medallion face that Bill likes to eat cats. Bill, of course, arrives carrying a cat. The pub apparently has a cat. Jesus fucking Christ. It’s Micky the club cat. What the fuck is actually going on? Nobby fucking Garside turns on his internal tannoy to ask if Bill got him the cat food he asked for because of course Nobby fucking Garside would send Bill to buy him cat food.

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Let’s return to Joan to set up the main plot. She’s visiting literally the worst doctor in the world. During her appointment the nurse pops in to tell the doctor her “problem patient” has called again. This leads to the doctor telling Joan all about this woman’s medical issues. She’s 8 months pregnant but doesn’t want her husband to find out that he isn’t the father but rather the real father is the window cleaner (remember these details as they’re super important to what’s going in the rest of the episode). Joan leaves and Bill turns up straight away looking for a prescription for Barbie (I almost thought Bill was having an affair with the doctor because he gets very, very close to her). Anyway Bill’s stood behind a screen waiting for the doctor whilst she goes to get a prescription for him. At this point Joan returns and they discuss the doctor’s problem patient again. She, of course, discusses this in a weird way that makes it sound like she’s the one that’s been humping the window cleaner. Joan doesn’t think having a baby your husband isn’t the father of is that big of an issue these days. Although she then says Eddie would kill her if he found out she’d been impregnated by the window cleaner. Bill overhears this and you can probably guess how this will pan out.

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And that’s only the half way point!

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So Eddie wants to name his son Nobby Booth (after his father perhaps?). He decides on Nobby Bobby Matt Booth after several Manchester reds. This is part of the hilarious stinger we’ll get at the end of the episode. Eddie’s been decorating the nursery and won’t let Joan check his progress. Elsewhere Bill has a surprise for Linda. It’s the news that Joan is pregnant by Specky Nutall, the window cleaner. Bill is a little bit nasty at this point but after everything we’ve endured together he probably deserves his moment. He spills the beans to Jacko and Arthur and we’re introduced to Specky. Specky is a very old man wearing glasses. He refuses to take payment from Eddie for cleaning his windows after everything Joan has done for him (made him black pudding) which leads to Bill telling Eddie that Specky has been pumping Joan. Eddie misunderstands and thinks Bill is telling him that Specky is the father of Barbie’s baby. This is an actual fucking episode I’ve had to watch. This passed as entertainment in the 70s. Thank fuck I wasn’t alive back then.

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Eddie tells Jacko and Arthur about Barbie and Specky which leads to them going on the run before the truth comes out. Nobby fucking Garside manages to let them both know that Specky has got both of their wives pregnant by being incredibly fucking obnoxious. Eddie and Bill, not realising they’re both full of shit, head to find Specky and leave him hanging from a ladder. Joan’s annoyed that they’ll have to get a new window cleaner but at least Eddie has finished the nursery. She goes to check it out and it’s basically Eddie’s wank den as it’s painted in Manchester Reds colours and is covered with posters of his secret sex fantasy George Best. He also has a life sized cut out he drapes himself over and leers at as the credits roll. Thank fuck that’s over.

Random musings:

  • Jacko complains that he always finishes his drink before everyone and it’s not fair he has to wait for them to order him another. Just buy a bigger fucking drink you freeloading pervert!
  • What the fuck was this episode? I mean really?
  • Specky Nutall? That’s the best you could come up with? I guess it’s slightly better than Oldman McWindowcleany or something.
  • Jim Bowen died this week. Jim famously lost his job at BBC Radio Lancashire for using the term “n*g n*g” on air. Eddie Booth would have approved.
  • Two weeks till babies people. Something tells me we’ve got a lot further to fall yet.

Eddie Booth Is A Massive Cunt

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We celebrate International Women’s Day by parting the cheeks of the Dark Lord and sticking our head into Satan’s rectum once again. Can we take anything positive from this episode for women? Well it’s an episode where women are treated like nothing but baby making cleaners so no. But on the plus side the young women of today don’t have to worry about having a rutting Eddie Booth trying to impregnate them with his demon seed. Tonight we’re watching episode 5 of series 4 “The Antenatal Clinic” and it’s shit. But you knew that already didn’t you? Read on if you dare…

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It’s Fathers’ Night at the clinic and Joan has dragged walking sack of spuds Eddie along to learn how to be a dad. Now I know I’ve pretty much said this every week but you think we’ve reached rock bottom with this abortion of a show and yet they still find a way to fall even further. This episode is a nightmare. We start off with some of the worst stagey comedy set ups. Eddie chuckles away at his own Les Dawson like skits. We’re introduced to Doctor Spock’s book on “havin’ babies” and I instruct you now to remember that because it’s the set up for a joke involving Jacko later on in the episode. Yes that’s right Jacko still appears in an episode set in an antenatal clinic. You’ve probably already guessed what the joke is haven’t you? You’re probably not wrong either. I fucking hate this shitty fucking show.

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We get lots of very stand up like jokes and they’re not funny at all. There’s supposed to be 4 sets of parents at Fathers’ Night. One of them is a gay hairdresser who doesn’t turn up and someone else doesn’t either but can you guess who does turn up? That’s right Bill and Barbie arrive just as Eddie starts ranting like a racist piece of shit. There’s another of Eddie’s idiotic rants as they play with a skeleton “black people have black bones” and as ever the audience laugh. Because that’s the joke isn’t it? Eddie the dumb idiot racist. Except he’s always the fucking hero.

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The nurse arrives to take the class and asks if our heroes are segregated or integrated (meaning is it blacks and whites or mixed couples in a particularly groansome scene). It gets worse as after Joan says she’s with Eddie the nurse says it’s good. So even the fucking nurse who’s in only a handful of scenes is a massive racist. The nurse has a doll for the gang to practice on. Eddie molests it says it’s clearly a girl as it has not “widgey” and he manages to decapitate it. The audience laugh and a little bit of my soul dies. The nurse then tortures Eddie and Bill with pictures of vaginas causing them to run off.

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That means it’s time to head to the pub where the least believable thing in the entire run of the series so far; someone asks Nobby fucking Garside a.k.a. Foghorn fucking Leghorn to repeat something he said because they didn’t hear him. There are long lost civilisations deep within the rainforests untouched by human contact for millenia that heard Nobby fucking Garside’s fucking dialogue being recorded so don’t try and convince me someone sat in the same fucking town couldn’t hear the fucking gobshite. It’s too fucking stupid even for this monkey turd of a show. Nobby fucking Garside who is clearly bipolar wants to know if Arthur and Jacko want another drink then rages at them when they say yes. That’s when Bill and Eddie arrive to set up the big Spock joke from before. First we have Jacko doing the classic Jacko shtick of being a dumb fucking cunt who doesn’t understand any fucking thing that’s going on. Arthur sets up the gag about as naturally as OJ Simpson passing a police officer in 1994 and Eddie announces that he’ll be following the advice of Doctor Spock. You can’t go wrong with Spock says Jacko. Everyone is surprised Jacko knows what they’re talking about for a change and Jacko gets very offended. He launches into a tirade about how they all thing he’s an idiot who doesn’t know anything and fuck it they’re building this shit up and you know what’s coming? You knew a week ago. Yes it’s a fucking Star Trek joke. Powell (and eventually Driver with a little assistance from his knitting needle) must have cum in their pants when they realised there was a baby expert called Spock. Although apparently he’s the only member of the gang who watches Star Trek.

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Anyway let’s get back to the racism. Bill is sick of Eddie calling him offensive things. This sets up a bet that Eddie can’t go 24 hours without using a slur against Bill. Apparently not being a racist cunt is a real challenge to old spud and that’s how we end part one.

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The episode now takes a dark turn. We return to Bill and Barbie discussing the bet. Bill’s having fun by torturing Eddie (rightfully so) but then the episode tries to suggest that Bill is a racist himself. “Who wants to be fair to Eddie Booth? He’s white.” Bill doesn’t want the baby wearing white clothes. It’s basically the same shit Eddie says but the colours reversed and it does not fit with Bill as I’ve got to know him over the last 3 and a half series. Bill isn’t racist. Bill is a victim. The whole he gives as good as he gets argument is floated a lot about this show but it isn’t true. Bill at worst will call Eddie a honky maybe once an episode and it’s never anywhere near the levels of venom from that fucking wank stain Booth. It makes me quite angry. Anyway it all sets up a joke about how the baby can’t wear black clothes because they won’t be able to see it in the dark. They made a black person deliver this line. It makes me sad.

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Back at the Booth house Eddie believes he can win the bet but Joan is less convinced. Joan spends a lot of time having a dig at her shit of a husband. These have become my favourite parts of the episodes. He deserves everything he gets and Joan’s utter contempt for her husband is about the only thing I can stomach in this show. Eddie is not getting out of the clinic and he’s not getting out of being a dad either. Joan wants him to do stuff with the baby. Bath it (it can get in the bath with him apparently, yes I’m feeling quite sick myself). He can change nappies (he doesn’t fancy that). He can feed it (but he doesn’t have the titties to make the titty milk the baby drinks derpy derpy derp derp).

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At the pub Jacko is alone with Nobby fucking Garside and Nobby fucking Garside has a good laugh about him having to buy his own drink. But before that happens the gang arrives to set up the next big chuckle. Eddie’s only wearing mother fucking noise cancelling headphones. He can’t hear a word. He asks Bill to buy him a ham sandwich for some reason and Bill sabotages the sandwich with mustard and salt trying to get Eddie to drop a slur.

“You naughty coloured gentleman.”

This is LTN so we, of course, need a scene of a grown man spending a long time in the toilet (probably masturbating). Eddie decides to hide in the toilets till 9 and the end of the bet. I don’t know why Nobby fucking Garside doesn’t throw him out but when has logic played a part in this bollocks? At 9 Arthur alerts Eddie that it’s time and Eddie celebrates his victory. We then get the big stinger that for reasons unknown Jacko has played with the clocks and it’s only 8:45. Apparently Eddie doesn’t have a time piece of his own. I’m not going to defend this shit. It makes no fucking sense it never fucking does. Why do I do this to myself?

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It’s time for a final comedy stinger as we return to Father’s night. Eddie has bought the nurse a new doll but he needn’t have bothered as Bill has already given her one! Yes that’s right the audience piss themselves at the sight of a black doll as Eddie goes into an offended spasm. The doll is terrifying. It’s actually black. Eddie rips it’s head off as the audience applaud. This show is about to have an actual black baby on it. What the fucking is going to happen then?

Random Musings:

  •  Bill wants his kid to dress in West Ham colours and he wants his son to learn to box so he can continue the race war with Eddie.
  • The racist nurse running the clinic is played by Mollie Sugden in potentially her least glamourous and most offensive role. She looks appalled to be here and gives a very flat performance. But it’s another one we can cross off in Are You Being Served? guest star bingo. Fingers crossed for John Inman.
  • The term “n*g n*g” is used 18 times in this episode.
  • We’re nearly half way through this fucking show.
  • Here’s an artists impression of Eddie Booth breastfeeding: happy-potato-blog-post-2-jul-2014

 

Eddie Booth Makes The Ladies Drip Like Faucets

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As the government continues to insist on having Thursdays every single week I’m forced into licking the anus of Satan himself once again by watching another episode of this abortion. This episode is called Eddie’s Mother-in-Law and aired on my birthday in 1974 (I wasn’t alive at the time thankfully if only that was still the case now). It’s shit but I suspect you knew that already.

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Apparently the Christmas decorations haven’t come down in LTN land as we join Barbie shouting down the phone to her mother. They’re talking about how to identify the gender of the baby (that’s right we’re only weeks away from Eddie Booth shouting racist abuse at a baby). Joan pops by and we get a depressingly predictable bit of racist stereotyping as Barbie’s mum recommending voodoo like ways for her to predict the sex involving tree frogs. Anyway the mum hates Bill and Bill hates the mum. Bill doesn’t know that the mum calls up and reverses the charges from Trinidad and then Bill finds out and we get some awful Barbie acting. It’s just shite.

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Remember last week when it was new year? Well the decorations are up at the pub where walking foghorn Nobby Garside is shouting at Jacko. It’s nice that the show has a bit of continuity I guess. Anyway this sets up some fucking awful new year banter. That’s right it’s time for chat about new year’s resolutions. Jacko is body building but Arthur and Eddie seem to think he’s taken up excessive wanking. Well he is the man that inspired Wanking With Jacko. Eddie makes crude remarks about Raquel Welch. Can you imagine that grotty sack of spuds making love to a goddess like Raquel? It’s enough to turn your stomach. Arthur has decided not to make any resolutions at all. What a card.

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This picture has nothing to do with this review but it did come up whilst Google image searching LTN

You know what this episode really needs? Three dirty old men leching after some young women. Now you may have forgotten but this show takes place in a parallel universe where human potato Eddie Booth is some sort of sex god where women seem to find him incredibly appealing. I guess there is a form of mental illness in the LTN universe that only affects sexy, young women. These two women seem quite into our heroes and our heroes are very into them…

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Yes Jacko is very taken with the two young women and we get a bit of a lingering shot that suggests Little Jacko might be flying at full mast. To be fair you could probably call this Wanking With Jacko and Arthur as Arthur is also visibly aroused by the pair.

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This scene is hard to watch. Eddie let’s out a “bloody Nora” whilst clearly cumming in his pants. We then get some witty sexual innuendo banter as Angie (the only one of the pair credited on IMDB and the only one given a name) and the other one who is possibly Servlan, arch nemesis of Roj Blake, (no, not really but she does have that sort of look) engage in smut talk with the filthy old cunts. The girls are off to the football and leave our heroes to spout off racist abuse for no good reason. This week is God black or white? He’s white obviously (Eddie you pan faced cunt why don’t you fuck off and die in a ditch?). Arthur asks if there are even black people in heaven (fuck you Arthur what the hell has happened to you ya fucking scumbag peanut headed twat?). Eddie says of course there is because someone needs to clean up (I hope you get rectal cancer you fucking sack of shit) to which Arthur roars with laughter (I hope you get mouth cancer from having your tongue so far up Eddie’s cancer flooded rectum ya piece of shit). This racist shit goes on for too fucking long. Whites saved the blacks from extinction by stopping them from eating each other (I remind you this was a hugely successful prime time sitcom).

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So it’s time to introduce the main “plot” of this episode, it’s time to meet Joan’s mother. She doesn’t like Eddie (of course she doesn’t she’s a mother in law and this is a sitcom allegedly). Eddie doesn’t know the mother-in-law is coming to stay and boy is he in for a surprise. For some reason a random milk man (played by some sort of deranged lunatic) comes to the pub to tell Eddie Joan has a surprise for him. He gets the wrong end of the stick and thinks that Joan has given birth to a baby girl. This takes us to the adverts.

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This leads to another weird act break. We get the theme playing over some over the top physically acting as the title pops up and the audience titter away and much like last week it goes on forever. Except this time it fades to black and you just hear the audience reacting to god knows what. Towards the end there’s a shocked gasp which I can only assume means Jacko has dropped his pants for a second round of Wanking With Jacko. Mercifully we don’t get to see what’s going on.

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Act two reintroduces us to everyone’s least favourite character; Drunk Eddie. Joan’s mum reveals that Eddie was drunk at his wedding to Joan. So let’s hope they never do a fucking flashback episode because I don’t need anymore Drunk Eddie in my life. Drunk Eddie keeps calling his mother-in-law a ratbag which is fucking dumb. Eddie does manage to fit in some homophobia whilst dear old mum tells Joan about an ex boyfriend who’s still single and looking.

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I own this album on vinyl

Bill pops by to wind up Eddie so much that he tells his mother-in-law to leave which leads to an angry Joan finally leaving that sack of potatoes. Let’s break up this fascinating story with Nobby Garside shouting obnoxiously about things that don’t matter (this time football). Does this fucking guy have an inside voice? Anyway Eddie finds away to stoop even lower as Bill actually invites him round for dinner. He drops a “n*g n*g” or two and a Golly joke. What a fucking piece of shit he is.

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Joan returns home after getting sick of her mother and pops by to tell Barbie all of this. Back at the Booth house and Eddie is drinking the no no juice in an attempt to summon Drunk Eddie. Then something absolutely fucking insane happens that has led me to a new theory on this series. I now speculate that in the very first episode the first time Eddie said something racist Bill punched him so fucking hard he slipped into a coma and every episode since then has been the comatose fantasy reality of Eddie Booth. Why do I think this you ask? Well because, for literally no reason at all, the two women from the pub turn up at his house dressed in sexy outfits and tell  him they’ve heard his wife is gone and they’re their to help him. They do his fucking housework for him whilst he dribbles in their cleavage. And I have no fucking clue why. Have I had a stroke? They keep shaking their breasts at him whilst having the most awkwardly awful cringe worthy sexually suggestive conversation with Eddie. They appear to be offering him sex. The fucking potato faced Eddie Booth has two hot, young women gagging for a pounding from the most disgusting piece of shit.

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At this moment Joan returns home to find Angie with her bum out as she bends over in a very short dress and as Servalan comes down announcing she’s stripped his bed. A quick cut to the pub reveals Eddie has now got a black eye but Joan believes he wasn’t banging the beauties. Bill mocks him and tells him he’d never let his own mother-in-law ruin his life like Eddie’s did. Can you guess the big sting that’s coming? Yes, that’s right. Out of nowhere Bill’s mother-in-law appears in the pub and starts berating him. Eddie and the audience laugh on as Bill gets his comeuppance for not being a racist piece of shit like Eddie. I fucking hate this fucking show.

Random Musings

  • Barbie’s mum offers to post a tree frog to Barbie and then tells her to get into bed naked with Joan. This is a weird fucking episode.
  • I assume the ratings for this show were so high because they counting the number of viewers by including anyone who could hear Nobby fucking Gardside being a fucking gobshite.
  • Jacko runs out of booze very quickly and tries to steal Eddie’s pint. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ONLY HAVE HALF IF YOU WANT MORE YOU FUCKING DOZY TWAT?!?!?! Get a fucking pint you doughnut. It’s not like you ever fucking pay for the things.
  • I’ve started to notice that Jack Smethurst appears to model his hairstyle on Hitler.
  • In his defense Nobby Garside is fairly convincing at pretending to clean glasses behind the bar.
  • This episode is a visual assault on the old eyes. The sets and costumes scream 70’s and it’s awful.

New Year, New Eddie? Un-fucking-likely

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Tonight’s episode is the New Year’s Special from series 4.

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Eddie Booth’s family only produce male heirs. That’s our reminder that Eddie Booth had sex and got a woman pregnant by putting his shriveled potato penis in a lady and used his filthy man milk to spawn the anti-Christ.

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Eddie is working on a Saturday after being on strike for a fortnight. He’s been blaming Ted Heath for the cold weather. Jesus Christ this is fucking dull. Eddie’s political rants are not interesting or informative. But he does expose himself as a sexist prick.

But as this is LTN we know there’s gonna be something hilarious happening. It turns out the three amigos aren’t working but playing card games. Oh the hilarity. Eddie whips out a paper and there’s a booby babe on the cover. Well you know what that means…

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Jacko is clearly erect at the image of this beautiful woman (Miss New Year apparently).

“I wouldn’t mind making a few resolutions with ‘er. Huwee*!” he coos whilst leering the same way he does outside the local comprehensive at lunch time.

*Huwee is a creepy noise a sex pest makes whilst looking at naked ladies with his friends apparently.

Anyway Bill turns up and he’s doing actual work because he’s not a potato faced scumbag. Eddie abuses Bill like the racist twat he is and Arthur laughs (I’m losing a lot of respect for Arthur with each week that passes. I’m now actively hoping his wife beats him). Bill’s lost his Christmas spirit apparently. After opening a present from Eddie. Jesus fucking Christ what’s it going to be? A bottle of hair straightener. You know what fuck you Eddie fucking Booth you walking sack of spuds. You’re a piece of shit and I like to think in the real world you’d be in prison for your constant racist abuse getting shafted by some buff cell mate who doesn’t mind dipping his wick in human garbage.

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The guv’nor has turned up and he wants to know why Booth and the boys aren’t working. Eddie is complaining about how hot it is after the poor bloke has spent three hundred quid on electric heaters to keep the wide faced cock merchant happy. He, of course, manages to use this as an excuse for another racist attack against Bill. Once again he uses the word “n*g n*g” in front of a superior who doesn’t even bat an eyelid. He’d be fucking sacked in the real world. The governor is at least decent enough to tell Eddie he’s being an idiot by saying Bill comes from the jungle. Progress I guess. Anyway Eddie is being a twat. He somehow manages to get the supervisor to agree to getting them free beer to go back to work. Jacko even manages to a variation on the “I’ll have ‘alf” catchphrase. Anyway this is a load of anti union bollocks written by Tory supporting scum. Harry Driver was paralysed and had to write scripts with a knitting needle in his mouth. Well Harry your beloved Tories would probably have had you killed you quicker than you managed on your own.

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You might remember that the girls are pregnant. So we get a few more shitty pregnancy jokes. Both women end up stuck on the floor (because they’re really fat from being pregnant see?). Luckily resident loud mouth Nobby Garside is on hand to save the day. Mainly by shouting and talking northern. He’s surprised that the boys are working on Saturday even though the supervisor is planning on Nobby bringing beer to the boys.

Eddie is making ashtrays at work rather than doing his actual job. He’s caught by Mr Granger (previously referred to as the guv’nor, the governor and supervisor) but manages to save the day by tricking Granger in to thinking they’d made the ashtray for him rather than to sell on. Granger gets his own back by asking Eddie for a favour (which is to work on a Sunday). Bill’s all for it but Eddie refuses to work on the Sabbath. Anyway it ends up with them agreeing to work on Monday which is New Year’s Eve.

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Anyway the girls are worried about being on their own so Eddie leaves a machine that makes a dog noise to protect them for some reason. Bill has contacted the police to tell them two women are all alone all night long. This leads to a rape joke that actually gets a pretty big laugh. The police check up on the girls by phoning them and Joan is worried it’s burglars. She doesn’t want to answer it but then worries if she doesn’t the burglars will come round and rape and rob them. She then looks at her baby bump and says “well rob us anyway.” Joan, it’s the 1970’s love do you honestly believe the creepy 70’s burglars wouldn’t have a pregnancy fetish? Anyway she answers the phone and plays Eddie’s dog noise machine. Anyway Detective Sergeant Finch (a top copper one would imagine) goes to investigate and is assaulted by the women.

Back at the factory we get more anti union nonsense from Booth and the boys. Jacko breaks the rule of catchphrases and asks for a full pint. Arthur is looking forward to the year 2000. They then imagine what the world of the 21st century will be like. Holidays on the moon. That’s their only thought. Fucking idiots. Hang on this episode has been on a long time. OH FUCKING HELL!!! It’s an extended episode. Oh my god I can’t breathe I have to endure the padding of more racism. Black babies wearing loincloths. PLEASE END IT NOW I’VE HAD ENOUGH NO MORE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

We get a glimpse of the nightmare to come. Eddie states everyone is born equal in Britain but then launches a racist tirade against Bill’s unborn baby. His black baby won’t be allowed to play with Eddie’s white baby. Yes this is actually happening and people are laughing.

Anyway back with the girls and they’ve taken in Finch and keep whacking him on the head every time he wakes up. Joan rings the police station to report their burglar and is horrified to discover they’ve assaulted a CID officer. A bit of quick thinking from Joan helps them get away with the assault by telling Finch he fought off the burglars that never existed. It’s probably the best scene we get in this episode but that’s a bit like saying that the rectal cancer you’ve been diagnosed with is the best tumour that has nearly killed you. Finch makes his escape and the girls cry that they’ve never spent New Year without the boys (which seeing as they’re only married and not blood related seems highly unlikely). They decide to head to the factory and surprise the boys.

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Unfortunately for us Nobby is drunk and singing loudly. Oh fucking hell it’s Drunk Eddie. My favourite version of Eddie Booth but that’s like saying the fifth entry wound from a frenzied stabbing is your favourite. Anyway everyone sings a song. Bill composes one about Eddie being scum and then Eddie has a go. He manages to squeeze in racism and homophobia which is quite a feat. Mr Granger turns up to catch them in the act of not working. But it turns out he’s even more sloshed than they are so they all get away with being a shower of cunts. He then walks through a glass door.

Eddie and Bill decide to head home and wish the girls a happy New Year. Eddie gets home just in time to answer the phone to Finch who is checking on the girls again for some reason. Finch thinks that Eddie is one of the burglars and we can see where the hilarious stinger for this episode is going to come from. Finch turns up at the house and Eddie maanges to knock him out with a lump of coal (no I have no idea why either). The episode ends with random footage of men in their underpants jumping into a fountain and Bill and Eddie wishing each other a happy new year in a prison cell. New year same old shit. Fucking shoot me now please.

Random musings:

  • Nobby’s big joke of the episode (which apparently tickles him quite a bit) is referring to Bill and Eddie as Pride and Prejudice which is surprisingly highbrow for this show.
  • Barbie puts in another weird performance. Apparently you can only get a decent performance from her by getting Eddie to shout racist abuse in her face till she wants to move house.
  • Mr Granger is played by the legendary Peter Jones a.k.a. the voice of that wholly remarkable book the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. He shouldn’t have been sullying himself with this shit.

Sex Lives of the Potato Men

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Tonight’s episode is “Friendly” the second episode of series 4. It’s a bit shit.

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As we always say here at Charge of the PC Brigade there’s always further to fall and this week proves that. We kick off with the reminder that Nobby is now actually a recurring character. They’re not wasting time with any of that boring exposition and the plot of this week’s nightmarish abortion is revealed. Nobby’s holding a charity raffle for the pensioners. Jacko hilariously thinks you win a pensioner! HAHAHA FUCKING HILARIOUS! Jacko must be a fucking pensioner himself. The prize isn’t a pensioner but rather a weekend trip to Paris for two. Bill and Eddie are both super excited about this although, of course, they can’t take their heavily pregnant wives to Paris as they can’t travel by plane.

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And there you have it folks this is another episode where human potato Eddie Booth thinks he’ll have no trouble getting his end away with human women. If you pause this episode anytime he’s on screen you can see what a seedy, repulsive sack of spuds he is so I find it hard to believe that even the French women in a cliche ridden sitcom would be dropping their knickers for Eddie Booth.

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Apparently this is a thing you can buy. Actually really in the actual real world. And it is an LTN shirt. What the fuck man?

Well we might as well get some obnoxious French jokes in whilst we’re on the subject. Eddie and Bill might be looking to go to France for some crumpet but Jacko is quick to point out they eat curly bread there. Yep, this is the level of humour I endure every week, a suspected dirty mac wearing potential public masturbator making bread jokes. You can always fall further. They invented crumpet in France apparently.

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Nobby Garside on a walk with some kids. Not picture: Jacko tugging furiously in a bush to the side.

Bill and Eddie decide to form an alliance because despite the fact Eddie Booth is little more than a ball of noxious gas that spews racial hatred at Bill weekly they are the best of friends. They agree that if one them wins the prize they’ll take the other as their plus one. This, of course, adds to my theory that there is a secret gay relationship between the two. But before we get to explore this Bill has to head home to help Barbie do the housework (reminder this is the 1970’s). Eddie tells him not to be such a pussy Barbie, who I remind you is eight months pregnant, can do her own damn housework. This leads to a bit of a tiff between our star crossed lovers. The baked potato tells Bill he is the master of his house and his wife. Bill obviously goes straight home to tell Joan this leading to her giving Eddie a bollocking.

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For some reason there aren’t a lot of pictures of LTN so maybe I’ll just keep using the same ones over and over.

The spud is dressed for the soccer (basically like a 70’s rapist wearing a red hat and scarf and a rosette (can you believe a man’s man would wear a big frilly rosette to the soccerball arena?). He’s excited to be going to see Manchester United. He’s singing a song to no one. Joan tells him he can’t go to the football and Eddie calls Bill a “nosy good n*g n*g” which I’m fairly sure is a blundered racial slur (unless his secret gayness for Bill slipped out subconsciously). Joan threatens Eddie with his mother in law if he doesn’t start helping round the house. Joan tells him if he does a few jobs he can go to the match; sweep the path, clean the windows, mow the lawn and dig the border. We then get an Eddie Booth doing chores montage where he doesn’t do most of those things. He pulls some washing off a line, rubs his greasy potato fingers on a window, hoovers the garden (oh how the audience laugh), throws some leaves over a fence and magically throws some flowers in the garden. By jove he’s done it! To the ground he goes but woe is he it’s at full capacity and the door slams in his face!

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In the time it takes Eddie to get from the ground to the pub the newspaper has already printed the score of the game. The hammers have beaten the reds (I have no fucking clue what that even means). But Eddie will be annoyed realise Jacko and Arthur especially as two of the goals were scored by a black man (or a darkie as Arthur calls him. Fuck you Arthur). Eddie is trying to pull a “Whatever Happened to the Likely Lad” and avoiding the score until he can see the game on Match of the Day. Luckily Jacko ruins it for him preventing them from ripping off a superior show. Anyway Joan turns up to the pub and Eddie warns her that being at the pub with the lads (suspected public flasher Jacko and bloated ball of darkness Arthur are the lads apparently) she has to expect their brand off top bantz (English: general wankery) and she may hear some “fruity stories” (see secret gay affair theory).

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Jacko and Arthur are doing the same thing Bill and Eddie are doing in the raffle but for some reason feel the need to explain the concept. I can’t imagine these two swanning around Paris together but it does feel like a missed opportunity for a spin off. Joan asks Arthur why he wouldn’t take his wife and he makes a domestic violence joke. But we know Arthur, we know. You make those jokes to hide the pain you feel. Come to us and let our binding hugs heal your scars.

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Eddie launches into one of his racist tirades just as Bill and Barbie arrive. Old spud boy doesn’t realise. He then tells a racist joke which for reasons I don’t understand Arthur repeats whilst looking Bill square in the eye. Bill reveals himself and Eddie points out he’s proud to be a massive racist cunt. Racial slur, homophobic slur, racial slur. You know the drill. Eddie states his is a white only table and makes Bill sit elsewhere. Luckily Nobby is there to shout loudly. Nobby offers Bill the chance to draw the raffle but Eddie refuses to allow it as he’s black so Nobby asks Eddie and Bill won’t allow it because he’s white. Nobby loudly announces they’ll need someone from another world and Arthur nominates Jacko. We get some hilarious buffoonary from Jacko before he pulls out Eddie’s ticket. Eddie announces he’s breaking the arrangement with Bill and won’t take him to Paris. But it turns out that Jacko had the ticket the wrong way up and Bill wins. We then get the longest and bizarrest cutting to adverts slapstick scenes that seems to keep going after the sound has cut and the actors have stopped acting.

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Eddie is now trying to be nice to Bill to get him to take him to Paris. Bill lets it go on for far too long (Eddie has dressed up in his finery; a fucking hideous maroon cardigan and a fucking brown tie). Eddie’s nice act sees him coming across a bit Jimmy Savile in his mannerisms which is creepy. Bill and Barbie are evidently creeped out by his act (“I’d forgotten you were black”) and it’s revealed Bill was always taking Eddie. The next day we discover Joan has been drugging Eddie with Bromide to stop his wondering eye. At the pub we see it’s working as a sexy (by creepy 1970’s standards) woman apparently comes on to Eddie after dismissing his hunky mates (to be fair I’d sooner be spit roasted by Jacko and Arthur than shakes hands with Eddie Booth and this woman sits in his lap). But he’s not interested at all. We get some more top bantz from the boys and we get led down one of those very stagey conversations that’s clearly signposting a big joke. This one sees Arthur sadly lamenting not being a father. It’s all setting up an ugly wife joke. Jacko was nearly a father once. He nearly humped a woman in a meadow but he ended up doing something he’s always been ashamed of. Wait does that mean…

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No it’s not a wank. He fell asleep and didn’t get to hump a woman. He does seem to suggest he might have been wanked off by someone who came to milk the cows though.

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Anyway this nightmare is nearly over. The womenfolk pop by to bust out the big stinger. Yep the boys aren’t going on a crumpet hunt in Paris because they’ve traded their weekend trip for two to Paris for a weekend trip to Worthing for four. Eddie Booth ain’t getting no pussy now ho ho ho!

Random Musings

  • Barbie badly fluffs a line. It’s been a while since that happened.
  • So a prime time 1970’s sitcom features a wife drugging her husband on a regular basis.
  • Mavis, the sexy woman who tries to seduce Eddie Booth for some unknown reason, is played by Helen Keating who you may remember from such memorable roles as Barmaid on Cowboys, Busty Barmaid in Cafe on The Sweeney and The Whore on Van der Valk.
  • I really, really, really, really, really, really hate Nobby Garside.

4.1 Hine’s Sight

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So it’s come to this. A fourth fucking series.

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When last we checked in with the Booths and the Reynolds the worst possible thing in the world was unleashed on us as it was revealed Barbie was pregnant and we’d probably spend the rest of the show’s run with Eddie Booth shouting racist abuse at a baby. This episode picks up several months later. Both Barbie and Joan are heavily pregnant and Eddie is still a prick. So what joy do we have in store this time? Read dear reader, read on…

Mr Baxter, the Booth’s other neighbour, has moved out. You may remember him from series 1 in his one and only appearance. Well now he’s fucked off so facilitate this awful episode. Before we get to the meat of the story though  we get a lot of awful cliche pregnancy jokes. We get cracks about baby weight and cravings. Bill and Eddie turns up and Bill calls Eddie fat. He’s got a romantic gift for Barbie. Joan is jealous and asks if Eddie has got her a romantic gift. He points out he pumped her to get her pregnant and I vomited a little.

It’s time to join our crew of misfits at the pub. Jacko and Arthur are eating pies together. We get the catchphrase and Arthur shouting abuse (we know who hurts you Arthur there are healthier ways to deal with). There’s a new barman in town. Fat Jacko has gone. Jacko tells Eddie he’s a Manchurian which leads to a Chinese racial insult but it turns out he’s Mancunian and he’s called Nobby. Eddie is thrilled to have a fellow northerner in town. But it turns out Nobby is a Yorkshire man and spends most of the episode shouting loudly and wearing braces.  Him and Eddie are at odds about everything.

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Jacko’s masturbation problem seems to be getting worse as he keeps announcing he’s going to the bathroom and he’s not going alone. The second time he goes he invites Arthur who I assume will be crying whilst yanking his crank.

Bill turns up and good news for him. Nobby promises Bill that as long as he’s working there there will be no racial prejudice. But of course there’s a gag coming and he delivers this corker:

“Just a minute can’t see you see I’m serving the n*g n*g?”

Oh the hilarity. The audience are in stitches. The fucking cunts.

Anyway we need some more big jokes so they move the conversation to Eddie needing new neighbours. He hasn’t heard the news and you’ll never guess what he’s only gone and assumed it’s Bill moving! HAHAHAHAHA! He’s wrong you see? It’s not Bill moving it’s Fred Baxter. Eddie won’t have to wait too long for new neighbours as someone is already looking at the house. Bill’s had a word and recommended he comes and meets Eddie at the pub. Nobby announces someone is there to see Eddie because subtlety and well written plots are not the LTN way. And in walks, yes you’ve guessed it, a black man carrying some sort of palm leaf and dressed in the most stereotypical outfit you can imagine. Ad break! Now back in August last year I reviewed episode 3 of the first series in which whilst trying to harass Bill Eddie manages to annoy Mr Baxter. At the time I said they missed a trick by not having him announce he had sold his house to a black man to annoy Eddie. This seemed like an obvious gag and little did I realise that my recommendation for a funny ending would actually be turned into a whole episode but here we are.

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To stop a black man buying the house Eddie decides to take drastic action. He’s sat outside the house and tells Joan he’s protecting their heritage. He’s also put a deposit on the house to prevent the black man buying the house. So god knows why he has to sit outside the house as well. To stop the “witch doctor” shrinking his head or some bollocks. Eddie plans to sell the house to the right sort of person (white, socialist, Manchester United supporter). Apparently men of every colour and creed have attempted to buy the house. The so called witch doctor, Charlie Tompkins, really wants to buy the house so Bill has hatched a plan.

Now I’ve put up with some weird shit in this series over the last three series but this is something else entirely. Who can forget the time Eddie blacked up? Well it’s time to balance that with Bill whiting up. Yes he’s pretending to be a white, northern, Manchester United supporting socialist. He looks a bit like Clive Dunn and sounds like the creepiest sort of paedophile Jacko would probably chat with on the internet if the show was taking place in the modern world. It’s not convincing in the slightest. Eddie actually says he’s a funny colour which Bill responds to by saying you don’t get much sun down in the mines. He keeps calling Eddie his old cock which is creepy. He falls for it though and Bill buys the house. I imagine the legality of the paperwork signed for this deal could be easily pulled apart in court.

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At the pub the boys are having a good laugh about Eddie and we get some more time with new character Nobby who I wish would just fuck off and die the obnoxious twit. We get a bit more of his positive racism. Black people have the best skulls for “nutting” people apparently and he calls Bill Sambo because being a nice racist is fine right? Jesus fucking Christ. He tells Bill he has an inferiority complex. They had Sambos in Yorkshire before they came fashionable apparently so he knows a thing or two about how hard black heads are. This was written by professional writers. This is actual dialogue from a prime time sitcom on British television.

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Eddie turns up looking quite dapper (by his potato like standards anyway). He’s happy to sold the house but then he’s devastated when Bill reveals his genius scheme with more of his terrible northern impression. Now Eddie has to live between two black men (a little white sandwich) which I imagine is what he masturbates over secretly whenever Joan falls asleep. Eddie is worried he’ll be eaten alive by them (he wishes). Eddie wants all black people to live in mud huts in another bizarre racist rant. He then manages to offend Nobby who’s had enough of Booth’s shit. He’s got new rules that upset Eddie even further. No credit. No drinking after hours and of course lots of obnoxious northern shouting (I am northern and this annoys me).

Back home and Eddie is painting “n*g n*g go home” on the house next door (yes this gets a big laugh). Turns out that Charlie got gazumped and a white man has bought the house much to Eddie’s delight. There’s one last sting in this tale though as he knocks on the front door and finds out who that white man is. It’s only bloody Nobby! And he’s not happy to find the racial slur painted on the wall of his house so we end the episode with an incredibly awkward chase scene that involves Eddie being chased by a very slow moving Nobby. But it’s over thank god.

Random Musings:

  • Fun fact: We discover in the film version of LTN that Eddie also painted “n*g n*g go home” on Bill’s house.
  • Rest in Peace Fat Jacko. Poor Cyril probably thought he had a regular role in the bag after all those extra lines in his last few appearances but instead he’s replaced by an obnoxious windbag instead.
  • Oh fucking hell I’ve just checked IMDB and bloody Nobby appears in 33 fucking episodes. On the plus side he is dead now. He passed away in 1985 but didn’t let that put an end to his career making one further appearance in a TV short 5 years later!

Next week: Some bollocks about a raffle. This will be the last time I tell you what’s coming up the following week as the idle bastard putting up episode summaries on IMDB has stopped after the next episode!

3.6 Barbie Gets Pregnant

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How many times have I said we couldn’t get any lower only to be proven wrong time and time again? Well you can probably tell from the episode title alone that we stand on the verge of our worst nightmare. Yes Barbie is pregnant and we can look forward to seeing Eddie Booth shouting racist abuse at a baby. Take my hand dear reader and let’s face the apocalypse together.

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Sticking true to the show’s roots Powell and Driver make literally no effort to set up this week’s plot and we kick off with Barbie having an expositional phone call with the doctor (“hello this is Mrs Reynolds. No the black one.” God knows what the doctor is saying on the other end of the phone). Yes Barbie is pregnant. Bill is delighted at the news and then suddenly starts laughing like a maniac. What could have brought this on? Well, of course, Bill’s first thought upon discovering he will be a father is of Eddie Booth. He thinks Eddie will be terrified of the blacks outnumbering the whites and you know what he’s right.

From time to ime whilst writing reviews about this abortion I come across a scene that defies words and I have to present to you dear reader in it’s full glory just so you can appreciate the true horror of what I’ve had to endure. Tonight is one of those occasions. I present to you now quite a long scene between Eddie Booth and his wife in which Eddie explains the truth about black people having babies. I have made none of this up. This is in an episode of a prime time sitcom that was one of the biggest shows on British television in the 1970’s written by professional writers (they’re both dead and quite frankly they deserve to be eternally poked in the bottom by Satan himself for this episode alone).

Eddie: The dirty black devil!

Joan: What ARE you talking about?

Eddie: Him next door, Randy Andy. Typical, isn’t, eh? The trouble with n*g n*gs is they’ve got no self control.

Joan: Eddie, they are married…

Eddie: What’s that got to do with it? We’re married, aren’t we? But I don’t put you in the club every year. (Author’s note: Eddie Booth is chomping on sausages at this moment in time and if anything was likely to turn me vegetarian it would be this moment. But it didn’t so sorry PETA but it was a close thing when I accidentally hit the slow mo button in reverse and had to watch him slowly sick up a sausage).

Joan: It’s only their first.

Eddie: It’s the thin end of the wedge, love. You mark my words. Only a question of time before we’re overrun.

Joan: How can we be overrun with one tiny baby?

***WARNING*** This is the point where it becomes super fucking offensive.

Eddie: I’ll tell you how. They’re not like us whites, they don’t have ’em in ones.

Joan: What do they have them in?

Eddie: Litters. (Big laugh from the audience don’t worry most of them will be dead now too).

Joan: Litters? (in disgust because she’s not a piece of shit).

Eddie: Yes. She’ll have at least half a dozen.

Joan: Don’t be so bloody stupid. (Go on Joan pick up a kitchen knife and stab him in the neck. Do it. DO IT NOW!)

Eddie: (Whilst pulling a face like Mr Bean sucking off a porcupine) No need to use swear words, Joan.

Joan: I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous. Litters. Bill and Barbie are human just like us, not a pair of Labradors.

***WARNING*** You thought we’d hit rock bottom but no there’s still further for us to descend yet.

Eddie: It’s in the blood, love. It’s Nature’s way of preserving the species.

Joan: What Species? (Why Joan? Why did you give him a platform for his twattery?)

Eddie: (Pulling a face like Mr Bean realising that the porcupine has now ejaculated in his eye) The n*g n*g species. Y’see, back in their natural habitat, back in the jungle there are lions, tigers and alligators who go round eating n*g n*gs.

Joan: Do go on, Dr Livingstone.

Eddie: Now then, Nature, in her wisdom sees it right to redress the balance by giving them more kids at a time.

Joan: Rubbish.

Eddie: It is not rubbish! Trouble ism now all the n*g n*gs are leaving the jungle we’re being overrun by ’em.

Joan: Not only that back in that jungle, all those alligators, lions and tigers are being deprived of their dinner.

And scene.

So yeah that’s what I have to endure week in week out. And we’re barely 5 minutes in!

Joan wants to know what Eddie has against having kids and Eddie says he has nothing against having kids but they’re young and don’t want to get tied down. That’s right Eddie Booth, a man who looks like the potato Brian Harvey ran himself over trying to bake, classes himself as young. Anyway Eddie goes to the pub to spend an evening with Jacko and Arthur. They have some of their classic banter (Jacko repeatedly says “I’ll ‘ave ‘alf” like an autistic in a panic spiral and Arthur shouts at Jacko in an attempt at transference for the abuse he suffers at home). We get some hilarious banter over Princess Margaret which involves Jacko being thick. Fat Jacko is behind the bar and creeps me out with a few lines delivered in a bizarrely aggressive manner. Eddie does a lot of Jacko impressions which are fucking awful. Arthur threatens to shove a pint glass down Jacko’s throat which is certainly more than ‘alf (#prayforarthur). Bill turns and angers the walking spud. Eddie wants to prove he’s a man so he’s heading home to pump Joan. Joan isn’t thrilled at the prospect and refuses to get up the duff to sooth Eddie’s ego. I can’t imagine anyone would want to spend a night with a gurning potato rutting away on top of you. Joan apparently keeps a naked picture of Eddie for reasons I don’t quite understand.

Elsewhere Bill is mixing a fake love potion containing liquid paraffin and prune juice (you can probably see where this is going). Back at the pub and Jacko wants to talk sex with Eddie which brings us to a new feature…

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It’s that time of the review where we imagine what it would be like to see Jacko masturbating. This week it sounds like he’s being cracking one off in the local cinema after seeing a double bill of erotica (Erotic Intimacy and Confessions of a Swedish Au Pair). What does Jacko have to say about this intimate occasion?

“Me Fruit and Nut melted in my hand.”

Now you never need sleep again. He’s going to see it all again so he can describe the sex scenes to Eddie in some sort of circle jerk.

Anyway Eddie is looking for love potions and Arthur has let him down so he turns to Bill in his hour of need. Not before thinking Bill is offering to pork his wife which allows Jacko to drop the show’s title in to the very natural dialogue (“well, I’ve heard of “love thy neighbour” but that’s ridiculous.” Trust me Jacko if you’d heard of Love Thy Neighbour you’d spend your evenings sobbing yourself to sleep cursing all the gods in the known universe like I do). Back at the Booth house we find out that Joan is already pregnant (I vomited a little) but she found out at the same time as Barbie so she’s been having unneccessary sex with Eddie Booth. She’s worried about telling Eddie but she need not worry as he’s found from the doctor and has bought her a huge teddy bear to celebrate. He’s also got a present for Bill and Barbie. Jesus Christ it’s a fucking Golly. That’s what this poor baby will grow up with. What a miserable fucking existence it’s gonna have. Bill tries to retrieve his love potion and reveals the contents to Eddie and Joan. She’s worried he’s had a spoonful but it’s worse than that he’s had the whole bottle. That’s right we’re going back for another drink from the laxative well. The audience guffaws and I die a little inside.

Well on the plus side that’s series 3 over.

Next week: There’s no rest for me and I’ll be back with the first episode of series 4. Will it just be a series of Eddie Booth shouting racial slurs at a screaming baby? Will it be Eddie Booth pushing Barbie down several flights of stairs to abort the foetus? Will Jacko’s arousal at public masturbation push him further down a dark path to murder and necrophilia? Will Arthur snap and kill his wife? Will Fat Jacko become a bigger part of the show? Will I survive another series of this nightmare? To find out the answer to these questions and more join me next week for another nightmarish episode of Love Thy Neighbour!

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3.5 The Lift

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Tonight on Love Thy Neighbour we have a very special episode. LTN is no stranger to tackling the big issues such as racism, racism, homophobia, racism, how a skidmark made human can be the biggest cunt in the universe and racism. Tonight though the show reveals just how far a head it is in its attitudes to an issue that no one really talks about. Tonight’s episode focuses on domestic violence against men. Do you remember some weeks ago when Arthur had an existential crisis? Well tonight we discover what made Arthur become the man we’ve seen these last three series. Read on dear reader if you’re ready to learn the awful truth about Arthur’s wife. Oh and they all get stuck in a lift because making the effort to write original stories is not the LTN way.

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The Plot:

Potato made flesh Eddie Booth is looking forward to a night at the “club” which appears to be the pub they go to every episode. Unfortunately his long suffering wife Joan has other plans and has invited their neighbours/victims of Eddie’s constant racist abuse Bill and Barbie for drinks. They exchange a few racist insults and then Eddie and Bill hatch a plan to get out of an evening together by escaping to the pub together (because logic does not exist in this world). Eddie tells Bill to nip home for a minute and ring Eddie’s phone so the baked potato faced twonk can pretend he’s talking to Jacko’s mum (his mum? He’s about 90) and pretend Jacko has been taken ill. Joan agrees to let them go but as she’s not as thick as her sack of spuds faced husband she asks him to pick her some fags up from the club (to anyone not from the UK and unfamiliar with our language fags is slang for cigarettes and not gay men which Joan would presumably form into some sort of anti-Eddie army). At the pub the gang have more of their classic banter top it off with the arrival of Jacko and his classic catchphrase “I’ll ‘ave half” (by which he means half a pint of beer and not half the corpse of a child he’s dragged into the woods and murdered). Jacki is here to push this epic story further by revealing he has run into Arthur’s wife earlier in the day. He wishes him a very happy wedding anniversary unfortunately Arthur has forgotten! A mad dash to Arthur’s place is in order and for some reason he’s taking the whole gang with him even a very drunk Jacko. Then things take a dark turn. Apparently Arthur’s wife is a violent women. She drags her intoxicated husband into their flat and the door slam shuts. For the next minute we hear nothing but the sound of violence. Arthur suffers horrifying abuse at the hand of his wife. And the audience laugh. Let me tell you domestic violence is never funny. Just because Arthur is a man the audience think they can laugh as he is beaten and broken by the women he has given his heart to. It’s wrong. WRONG! Anyway Arthur is chucked out and the gang pile into the lift. Unfortunately the lift breaks down. Even worse Jacko really needs to pee. The clock is ticking how will our heroes escape this nightmare situation? By waiting for their wives to turn up. Joan and Barbie manage to fix the lift by just pressing the button. The boys return to the pub for some drinking and they all go to the toilet together (head canon = gay orgy) and Cyril thinks they’ve left and locks them in. Oh the hilarity!

The Review:

Well to be fair this episode is fucking awful but it does at least feel like a bit of a break from the nightmare the show became during the two part race war we had to deal with last time. This is one of the least racist episodes of the run (which is to say it’s still pretty fucking racist but it’s toned down a lot compared to the shitstorm of the last two episodes).

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True to form the episode makes no actual sense and is just a collection of random scenes strung together that go nowhere at all. For some reason characters just suddenly become incredibly drunk including Jacko who literally turned up to the pub for “‘alf” seconds before they left (but thankfully drunk Eddie does not reappear). Drunk Jacko takes the slightly creepy man you might occasionally spot masturbating outside the gates of the local high school and makes him even creepier. He sits in the elevator singing crude songs about his genitalia and makes your skin crawl. Drunk Arthur reveals the true soul of the character we’ve come to love in these recent episodes. There was a moment of true darkness when we saw the blackness that lives deep within his soul and finally we know where that comes from. His wife is evil and cruel and she beats him knowing that his gutless friends are just feet away. It’s harrowing viewing. #prayforarthur. No wonder he forgot his own name the other week.

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Thankfully after being literally the worst piece of shit in the universe in that awful two part race war we had to endure last time Eddie largely takes a back seat in this episode. He’s still there being a massive twat but his time in the forefront feels a lot less this time. He still manages to slip in a n*gn*g though.

I’ve really started to pity Joan. What a miserable life this character has. She’s married to a smoking sack of potatoes that dedicates his life full time to ruining the one friendship she has. He never spends any time with her and when he does he’s probably giving her lung cancer. And worst of all I know there’s much worse to come for her.

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There’s not really a lot I can say about this episode. It’s left me wishing I hadn’t watched it but I can say that about every single episode I’ve watched so far. It’s not the most offensive thing I’ve ever seen which is a huge improvement. The race war is over and life is back to normal for Bill and Eddie but this may well just be the calm before the storm because next week everything changes…

Stray Observations:

  • Whilst stuck in a lift they can’t escape and they’re quickly running out of air and you’ll never guess what Eddie does. That’s right he starts puffing on a cigarette. I might have enjoyed watching the lot of them suffocating to death. Maybe they’ll save that for the series finale.
  • Cyril gets a huge role in this episode. The slightly creepy barman has said one line at best and now he’s probably got more lines than Joan, Barbie and even comedy MVP Jacko. More Cyril just reveals how annoying he is. He talks exactly like bloody Jacko. In fact in any further appearance he will be referred to as Fat Jacko.
  • Speaking of Jacko he spends a lot of time singing about his dingaling in this episode which is a mental image I could really do without.
  • Group toilet sessions. Now that’s a bit weird. It starts with Jacko rushing off. Then Arthur is very eager to join him and so Bill decides he might as well go too and Eddie not wanting to be left out decides he might as well go to. I can only imagine they’re having a huge circle jerk in the pub toilet and poor Cyril will probably have to clean that mess up in the morning.
  • Unfortunately we’re now a week behind after my laptop choice blowing up rather than covering another episode of this bullshit. Next week we reach the climax of series 3. Just 4 more to go or 5 depending on how you look at it. I don’t know the numbering on this show makes as much sense as the bloody plots.